By Elizabeth Harper

Don't give me a hard time about using condoms. I mean it. This is not negotiable. You should know that and be polite enough not to try and override my preference for safer sex. It doesn't mean that I don't trust you or that I think you're not clean. The fact that you were tested recently is not a sound argument. You could be a carrier of some virus or infection and not know it, and, for that matter, so could I. Do we really want to be spreading who knows what all over Chicagoland? You just picked me up in a bar, so I don't really believe that you're a virgin, or if you are, that you're going to be celibate in the future. I really don't want to argue about this while we're in bed. Really, who wants to get into an argument when they're having sex? You say you dig Existentialism? You know, "Freedom equals responsibility?" Well, free love equals responsibility, too, baby. Yeah, I know it feels better without, and yes, I want to make you feel good, but come on, the way things are is not my fault and I'm not your mother so don't make me the enforcer when we both know how it's got to be.

There are certain things you shouldn't do without asking first or negotiating beforehand. And you shouldn't get all pissy if you're denied. These include, but are not limited to, the following:

• pissing on my face
• ass to vagina or ass to mouth
• verbal abuse (Though the usual dirty talk is okay and even preferred)
• anything that breaks or significantly marks the skin (Although, I get a kick out of having to cover hickeys with concealer before I go to work the next day. Makes me feel like a teenager.)

If you say, "Let's go to sleep and finish in the morning," I will respect your wishes like a good girl and fall asleep in your arms. Likewise, when I say, "I need to sleep because I have to get up for work in the morning," I expect you to respect that and not keep waking me up all night long because you can't get off because you're too drunk or too high or whatever. Going to sleep and finishing in the morning is perfectly fine.

Sexist, racist, homophobic, etc. comments are not appreciated and constitute deal-breakers.

If you want a rim job, wash your ass first.

Repeat Offenders Caveats:

If you expect hair washed, legs and pussy shaved, apartment clean and tidy, fridge and liquor cabinet stocked with your favorite booze and mixers, I need advance notice.

And if you want me naked with objects in my orifices or dressed in lingerie or a school girl uniform when you get here, you better be on time.

I actually have a life and projects and interests and hobbies, in other words, other things to do besides being your full-time on-call sex slave.

Don't argue about the condoms. We've already had this discussion.