By Joe Janes

GOP Reputation Repair Emergency Meeting

 

12/13/17

 

5:00am

 

Deep beneath the capital building

 

Attendance: anonymous, but there was a lot of us

 

-       With the upset of Roy Moore losing to democrat Doug Jones in Alabama, it has become clear we have a problem. To insure we retain control of Congress and the White House, we will have to address many prominent accusations currently circulating about the GOP

 

-       PERCEPTION – We are all sexual predators, some even pedophiles.

-       CURRENT STRATEGY – Deny. Fight for the right for women to be listened to, fight for our right to deny the charges and call them liars (and whores, of course).

-       PROPOSAL:  ACCEPTANCE – We acknowledge the problem and embrace it. Promise to do better.

-       SILVER LINING - Easier to gather voter signatures as we go door-to-door to let people know we are registered sex offenders.

 

-       PERCEPTION – We are racist.

-       CURRENT STRATEGY – Deny. Demonstrate our benevolence by showing people our black friends. (Note: Make sure everyone has at least one black friend. We can’t keep sharing Ben Carson.) Also, remind people all our lawyers are Jews so we can’t possibly hate Jews. Everybody loves lawyers. And Jews.

-       PROPOSAL:  ACCEPTANCE – We acknowledge the racism and to make amends. 

-       SILVER LINING - We’ll build special bathrooms and clubs and entrances that only people of color or Jewish descent can use to make them feel special.

 

-       PERCEPTION – We are Christians who don’t care about poor people.

-       CURRENT STRATEGY – Deny. WWJD. “J” being “Joel Osteen”. Continue to get rich and make our benefactors richer. Blame the poor for being lazy and remind them God only rewards the rich.

-       PROPOSAL:  ACCEPTANCE – We acknowledge our past dismissal and resentment of the poor. We have the ability to eliminate poverty and should do that.

-       SILVER LINING - Not redistribute wealth. Literally eliminate the poor. Maybe another war. Let the 400k-a-year middle class be the new poor.

 

-       PERCEPTION – Gay people bad.

-       CURRENT STRATEGY – Deny. Blame God for how we feel.

-      PROPOSAL:  ACCEPTANCE – Acknowledge our abhorrence to the gay lifestyle, but promise to be more accepting by mandating Christian bakers make gay people cakes. All gay people. Whether they want a cake or not.

-       SILVER LINING - Soon, we will all eat gay cake.

 

-       We will roll out our new policies, The New Friendlier GOP, this year in preparation of winning next year’s midterm election. Also, avoid having Donald Trump make endorsements.