By Joe Janes

Santa’s Workshop All Company Meeting

12/6/17, 10:30am – Santa’s Workshop

– North Pole

In attendance: Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, 20 of Santa’s Elves, henceforth to be referred to as independent contractors

Notes by Mrs. Claus

-       Santa began the meeting by reading a statement. ‘Beloved Helpers –This letter is to inform you that effective immediately Santa’s Workshop, the premises and all its property, are now the sole ownership of Amazon.com, Inc. We appreciate the hard work you have contributed in building the reputation and business operations of Santa’s Workshop. As a thank you, everyone will be given a $10 Amazon gift card. Please vacate the building. Happy Holidays, Jeff Bezos”

-       Santa explained that the Naughty List was at its highest since 2008. Great for the coal industry. Bad for toy making. If toy makers wished to continue making toys, Amazon would consider buying it at $10 a unit. Muffintop pointed out that a toy could cost $8-$12 to make. Santa noted that how an elf that is now an independent contractor budgeted their money was up to them. Freedom.

-       In the meantime, Amazon has arranged for toys to be made in India, where a toy can be mass-produced for 25 cents each. Jigglebutt cried out that they don’t even celebrate Christmas in India. Everyone is Hindu. Santa said that was racist and that kind of talk was not welcome on the North Pole. And if someone was Hindi, well, then maybe they could be more focused on the task of making toys during the yuletide season, thus outdoing the competition.

-       Blubberbottom asked about the reindeer. Santa assured Blubberbottom that the reindeer have already been informed and taken care of.

-        Jellybelly asked if this had anything to do with the women who had accused Santa of stuffing more than their stockings on many of his stops and offering to leave more under their trees in exchange for half-naked backrubs. This is where I interrupted and reminded Jellybelly that those women were publicity-seeking liars and whores and that Santa would never do anything like that and if anyone was hurt or offended by anything he said or did, he was sorry they felt hurt or offended.

-        Santa and Mrs. Claus will be taking the proceeds from the sale of Santa’s Workshop and living out the rest of their lives in St. Petersburg, Florida, where they have purchased a nice double-wide trailer along a canal.

-        Santa then told the elves that it was time to close up the shop and that they needed to leave, but please take 10 pounds of reindeer meat on your way out compliments of The Claus’s. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, etc.

-        The Bumble will now escort you out.