By Joe Janes

The PepsiCo Lady-Friendly Foods Initiative

Wednesday, February 7, 2018 – 9:00am

In Attendance: Food Scientists Phillip, Jeff, and Mitch,

and PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi.

 Indra - Unlike men, women don't like to lick their fingers after eating a bag of Doritos. Women would love to do the same, but they don't. They don't like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don't lick their fingers generously and they don't like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth. Our new move toward lady-friendly packaging for Doritos has been well received. Everybody’s talking about it! Where else can we make these changes?

Phillip - Burritos can be very messy. No lady wants to get refried beans on her delicate blouse. We are pitching to Taco Bell...The Femito. It’s a burrito with a straw. You stab it like a juice box and suck the burrito out through the foil wrapping. The lady’s bare hands never touch the burrito. Not even the tip.

Indra – I like it. I never order burritos at Taco Bell for this very reason. What else?

Jeff - Ribs and shellfish. Red Lobster will provide plastic bibs that are one: bad for the environment, and two: very unsexy. If a woman is on a date with her man, she wants to look her best. She’ll be able to get her very own mesh bib. The mesh will keep her alluring cleavage visible and can come in some sultry colors like smoky, crimson or nude. She'll feel like a woman and eat like a man. 

Indra - With a mesh bib, won't the woman still get messy?

Jeff - The mesh will catch debris, like bones and shells. Barbecue sauce and seafood juices could still get on the woman's chest. We did not see this as a problem. Especially if the date is going well.

Indra - Okay. What about food like pulled pork or anything with jerk sauce?

Phillip - You don’t like eating those in public?

Indra - I don’t like ordering those things in public. Saying them out loud is very unladylike. Is there any way to get them without saying the words or just pointing?

Mitch – This is where I come in. One thing we men all agree on, is that ladies love yogurt and actually want to be seen eating it, especially if it’s out of a tiny cup that only lets you use a tiny spoon. We can introduce a savory line of yogurt flavors, like pulled pork and jerk sauce, and we can call them by different names like Lavender and Chamomile and Potpourri.

Indra – What flavor is Potpourri?

Mitch - Tossed Salad.

Indra – Thank God. I can finally stop ordering kale. I am going to eat like a man. Or like a dainty woman hiding her manly tastes. This brings me to one more item. It's sensitive. One thing I’m uncomfortable eating in front of people, especially men, are bananas. Is there anything you can do about that?

Phillip – Interesting. We talked about that earlier.

Indra – What’s your idea to change it?

Phillip - We don’t really want to change it, Indra, but eat this one and show us what you mean. Slowly…Slowly…