The Minutes of Our Last Meeting - 2017 Exit Interview

We usually give nice watches to departing employees. There have been budget cuts.

by Joe Janes

Linda from HR Meets with 2017

for an Exit Interview

This morning. 10am. Conference Room B.

Recorded on Linda’s iPhone X.

2017: I’m not sure why I need to do an exit interview. I mean, I’m done. 11:59:59 Sunday, I am out the door.

Linda: Well, it’s really more for us than for you. We want to learn from your experience. And make sure we don’t make the same mistakes again.

2017: Awesome.

Linda: Why are you leaving your current position?

2017: Well, you know, I feel like I did everything I could in the amount of time that I had. So… I just felt that as time wore on, I just became less good at dealing with it, you know? I’m really leaving for my own sanity-

Linda: You killed Tom Petty.

2017: See. That’s the thing. I didn’t kill Tom Petty. It happened during my tenure, yes, but I didn’t wake up one morning and go, “Tom Petty. I’m going to kill that guy.” That’s a whole other department that I have nothing to do with.

(Linda makes a note. “Does not take responsibility for actions”.)

Linda: Do you think you were adequately equipped to do your job well?

2017: Frankly, no. 2016 left a huge mess. A huge flaming pile. But I tackled it. I faced it head on. Most of my attention was taken up with trying to avoid World War Four.

Linda: Don’t you mean World War Three?

2017: Do I? Just because we didn’t declare it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Or isn’t happening.

Linda: Interesting.

(Linda makes another note. “Feels many things were out of her control.")

Linda: What was your relationship with your manager like?

2017: Very hands off. Too hands off as far as the actual job. I have no experience dealing with giant rampant dumpster fires. Too hands on when I didn’t want those hands anywhere near me. I stopped going to the office get togethers. Especially if alcohol was involved.

(Linda makes a note. “Confuses friendliness with unwanted sexual advances.”)

Linda: What was the biggest factor that led you to accept this new job?

2017: My health, mostly. This job takes a lot out of you. Look at me. I came in all fresh-faced and now look. I have a gray beard! I got an AARP card sent to me in June. I need something easy going. I think driving an Uber will be a great way to set my own hours and make some cash. Be my own boss.

Linda: What did you like most about your job?

2017: I do like the holidays. They’re fun. There’s the big ones, like Christmas and Fourth of July, and the small dumb ones like Apple Pie Day, which I love. Probably more than Christmas.

Linda: What did you dislike the most about your job?

2017: People would openly complain about me. Every day, to my face, it’s “Now what?” “Now what did he do?” “Now who got shot or raped or subpoenaed?”

Linda: What skills and qualifications do you think we need to look for in your replacement?

2017: Thick skin helps. Clear vision. Not a racist. Absolutely no one with a history of sexual harassment. And no guns. A person of color would be a nice change of pace.

(Linda makes a note. “Snowflake.”)

2017's employee id photo. They never changed it.