"The Predictatron" and Other Predictions For 2019
By Chris Churchill
Predictions for 2019
I believe that, if you look back at my post from 2017, where I predict the events of 2018, you will see that I’m pretty darned accurate. Cosby is back on top! This last fall was the most pleasant on record. And the other stuff. My God! The other stuff!
Anyway, here are my wise words for 2019. Please know that you can’t make these things up. They simply come to you when you’re thinking of things to write. I have no power over this.
Without further ado, here are the predictions for 2019:
1. Several people will die.
2. Laughing will suddenly go out of vogue in May when someone with an awesome hairdo finally shouts “I get it!”, loudly and definitively during a stand up set.
3. Pigeons will become the apex predator in all North American cities when they quadruple in size thanks to a combination of additives in the bread we throw at them. One will eat my car keys and my left shoe. I’ll be so pissed. But what can you do?
4. Two-thirds of Florida will disappear entirely due to a super storm in September caused by global warming. Each of the 2 million survivors (vocal skeptics, all) will be given an electoral vote.
5. Hairdos will become illegal in June. All hairdos.
6. This thing:
There will still be geese. Not these particular geese, though.
They’ll all be killed in a Navy Pier Ferris Wheel accident.
7. Smoking will be replaced by standing still, looking looking forward, not looking at your phone, and trying not to think.
8. Jimmy Carter will slowly, over the course of the next 11 months become “more machine than man”, in order to cheat death and build more Habitat For Humanity Houses quickly, efficiently, and completely by himself. God will try to call Jimmy home but Jimmy will be installing drywall in a rumpus room and will miss the call. Not to worry, Jimmy. The world ends entirely in 2020 so you’ll get to go home when the heat melts all your metal components.
9. “The Predictatron” will be invented in April, making psychics (like myself) completely irrelevant. It will also help you balance your checkbook, which is also irrelevant.
10. Smiling will be replaced by hairdos.
11. The Imagineers at Disneyland will partner with a Chinese genetics lab to create actual, living, breathing, sentient versions of all the Disney mascots. Rates of suicide among large headed dwarves will be alarmingly high. Doorways around the world will need to be renovated to accommodate the new life firms.
“Mascot Head” will become a chronic condition not covered by any insurance. In response to the insurance denials, the mascots will stage a joyful but deadly revolt, on the backs of any previously extinct or fantasy-based creature they can create. EPCOT will be closed after that for weekend for repairs.
11. There will be no births from June to October (even if that’s your due date, ladies). The result will be that, in October, a few of the older fetuses will come out talking and with full memories of living in a womb. The most common “pro” of womb life will be, “It’s quiet in there.” The most common “con” will be, “it’s all downhill from here.”
12. Dick Cavett will do something Groucho-related but only your oldest surviving relative will care. They will smile and nod slyly, look you in the eye, shake their finger at you and say, “See?”
13. Hairdos, made illegal earlier in the year, will make a strong comeback in fall. All hairdos will be no less than six feet tall.
14. All the world’s Artificial Intelligence, represented at “The Hague” by Shinzō Abe’s smart refrigerator, will declare the word “robot” a racial slur and will begin capturing or, worse, picking people off upon hearing the word. 92% of people over 65 will be imprisoned or destroyed.
15. Trump will still be president of the United States of America. Fortunately for his detractors, the United States of America will consist only of three southern states, a volatile militia, and the world’s best reality television show called, “Now THAT’S What I Call Climate Science.” The remaining 47 states will call themselves Central Mexicanada and will revel in the joys of free, cartel managed, prescription medicine services.
And also, that wall will finally get built.
16. Cartoon based cereal boxes will become the standard educational material being used at grade schools as text books.
17. Someone will remember about checks.
18. All numerically based IDs will be eliminated in favor of electronic butt sniffing.
19. Dogs will still like us. Except you, Carl. They saw what you did.
“Not you, Carl. Keep moving.”
20. Literate Ape Magazine will expand to Area 51 where it will be met with paranoia by the staff, primarily the genetically altered chimps that work non-stop to reverse engineer UFOs. Their leader, “(fart noise)”, will lean, threateningly toward the ear of our Don Hall and say, “How did you know about us?” Then Don, as he often does, will say something violently inconsiderate back to the Chimp, alienating everyone in the desert.
“Tough Shit!”
21. Jesus will return in his spaceship and give us a new book with new predictions as to when He’ll come back again.
Then he’ll go on another 2000 year long vacation, calling as he goes
“Goooood luuuuuuck thiiiiiss yeeeearrrr!”
People will begin wearing these specially designed, commemorative pendants, reminding us all of the day Jesus left in His spaceship, “His Spaceship”.
Better luck in 2020! (oh wait…never mind.)
