Hair Club for Dicks

 By Lauren Huffman

It was a whirlwind, like they always are. Too good to be true. Sean and I met online, and from the first conversation I knew we could be something special.

He was a couple years younger, but his lexicon was mature. He ended sentences with periods and question marks, not haha’s and lol’s.

We met in person at a coffee shop. Another good sign. I am so sick of meeting these turds for drinks. It feels like everyone is an alcoholic. Sure, I get first date jitters are eased with a beer but I want something real.  Not something diluted with booze. I digress…

“Have you ever seen the show Summer Heights High?” Sean asked me.

My favorite Summer Heights High character, Mr Gee

My heart melted.  Summer Heights High is an Australian show many Americans have not heard of. When I went to Australia I made sure to bring back a mug donning my favorite character.

Sean could type and he knew good TV shows. I was in heaven. 

After the first date, we couldn’t be apart. We spent every night together. Sometimes we would go to dinner and a movie, sometimes we would meet up with friends, sometimes we just stayed in. No matter what we spent the evening doing, we had a great time.

I had never fallen this fast. Usually it takes me at least five dates to develop even a smidgen of feelings. This was different.

I even opened up to him about my anxiety meltdown I had in my early twenties. Where I was below one hundred pounds and could not get out of bed. This tends to be the test, if the guy sticks around, I know he’s a keeper. 

“Lauren, you are sitting before me talking about the worst experience of your life that you survived. You are a survivor, I couldn’t be more in love.”

Love. He said it. I felt it. 

“I love you, Sean.”

“I love you too, Lauren.”

Our first evening apart was a month in because Sean had a business trip. When he came back, he surprised me with a Tiffany necklace. I put it on right away, feeling proud and loved. We weren’t able to spend the night together because I had dinner plans.

At dinner, Sean texted me. 

“You are wonderful, damn near perfect. I have such a great time with you. But, there is one thing that bothers me.”

‘Whats that?” I replied, trying to sound casual.

“Your face and butt hair.”

I stared at the screen, deflated. Sean was too good to be true. I kind of knew it from the beginning, but the whirlwind romance was such a high I didn’t want to face reality. I didn’t respond.

A few hours later, he sent me another text.

“I think we need to be honest and this is just me being honest.”

“I am not sure how to respond to this. I am taken a bit off guard.” I tried to sound as diplomatic and sane as possible.

“Okay, well let me know what you want to do.”

The next day I texted him I couldn’t see him anymore. His texts made me feel insecure and it was not a healthy way to continue.

He replied simply “Sounds good.”

I sold the necklace on eBay.