FAQs: Ethical Nonmonogamy (Part 1)

By Kari Castor

What is ethical nonmonogamy?

Ethical nonmonogamy refers to any relationship which meets the following criteria:

  1. It is not monogamous

  2. All parties involved know that the relationship is not monogamous

  3. All parties involved consent to being in a relationship that is not monogamous

This can encompass a wide range of relationship types, including but not limited to: monogamish, open relationships, swinging, polyamory, polyfidelity, and relationship anarchy.

Here are some definitions based on how these terms are most often applied. Note that not everyone who uses these descriptors does so in precisely the same way and that, as with things like gender, it’s generally better practice to just ask people how they’d like to be identified than to make your own assumptions.

  • Monogamish — A relationship that is mostly monogamous but occasionally makes room for ethically nonmonogamous encounters. These encounters are usually brief and limited in scope, and do not involve a strong emotional component. I.e., a couple who occasionally pick up a third for a threesome; a couple who offer each other a “hall pass” for infrequent one-night stands.

  • Open relationship — 1) An umbrella term similar to ethical nonmonogamy, used to encompass all varieties of nonmonogamous relationships; or sometimes 2) a kind of nonmonogamous relationship in which partners are generally expected to be emotionally/romantically faithful to each other, but may have physical relationships with other people.

  • Swinging — Usually involves swapping partners with one or more other couples (or throuples, or quads...), typically at events or on group dates arranged specifically for this purpose.

  • Polyamory — Having not only physical but also romantic relationships with more than one partner.

  • Polyfidelity — Closed polyamory occurs when a set of people who are in a polyamorous configuration with each other agree not to get involved in additional relationships outside the existing configuration. Like monogamy, but with more than two people

  • Relationship anarchy — Characterized by the idea that no relationship is bound by any rules other than the rules agreed upon by the people in the relationship. Tends to reject social norms and standard categorizations.

Isn’t polygamy illegal?

Polygamy is specifically the practice of being married to more than one person. In much of the world (yes, including the U.S.), it is illegal, though it is still practiced by various cultures and religions. It is legal in much of the Muslim world.

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In the U.S., polygamy typically has a significant negative stigma attached, for which we can largely thank a mixture of standard bigotry and the Mormons.

Polygamy is formally outlawed by the Mormon church, but some fundamentalist groups still practice it and it’s a frequent feature of gross cults run by lecherous old men who like to collect child brides.

Because of this baggage, very few people who consider themselves ethically nonmonogamous use the term “polygamy.” Some ethically nonmonogamous people do have committed relationships with more than one person and each of these relationships might function like a marriage. Ethically nonmonogamous people in this sort of arrangement generally refer to themselves as “polyamorous” rather than “polygamous.”

Isn’t that just cheating?

No. Cheating involves deceit and acting in a way that is contrary to the established rules of your relationship(s).

Ethical nonmonogamy is not the same as cheating because no one is being deceived and the rules of the relationship(s) are not being broken.

Acting in a way that is deceitful and/or goes against the rules of your relationship(s) is not ethical nonmonogamy. Cheating is basically unethical nonmonogamy.

So you don’t ever get jealous?

Most ethically nonmonogamous people get jealous from time to time, just like most monogamous people sometimes do.

Ethically nonmonogamous people usually look at jealousy as a feeling that should be examined. It’s entirely valid and normal to feel jealous. Understanding why you’re feeling jealous can help you cope with it better and or maybe even mitigate it.

Being ethically nonmonogamous is sometimes a leap of faith. For example, sometimes I just have to trust that what my jealousy is saying isn’t true. I have to trust my partner even when I feel jealous. Yes, he could leave me for the person I’m feeling jealous of. But I trust that he will not. And because we are not monogamous, it’s not an either/or choice anyway.

Do you think you’re better than me because you’re nonmonogamous?

No.

Being nonmonogamous is fundamentally no better or worse than being monogamous. Being nonmonogamous is better for me than being nonmonogamous, while the reverse may be true for someone else. Most nonmonogamous people believe that there is not a one-size-fits-all relationship model that is the best choice for everyone. Rather, they believe that people should be free to select the relationship model that makes sense for them – whether that is strict monogamy, or polyamory, or something else.

If you are behaving ethically within the boundaries of whatever relationship(s) you choose to be in, this writer does not believe that she is better or worse than you on the basis of our divergent relationship choices.

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