The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Trump’s Homeless Solution
Please don’t make Donald J. Trump look at this.
The White House The Oval Office
September 18, 2019 11:30am
Attendance: Donald J. Trump, Ben Carson, Mick Mulvaney,
Kellyanne Conway
Trump – I was just in Los Angeles. Their homeless problem is horrible. Just horrible. It’s like New York but bigger and more tan. I don’t blame them. If I were homeless, I’d want to go to a nice place like that. It’s killing business, though. Good people don’t want to live there because they see homeless people in tents, in our best highways, in the entrance ways of our best buildings. Something has to be done. It’s sending our once best cities into ruins. We’re being too nice to homeless people.
Carson – Well, we could build more housing designed for the homeless, but you cut our funding, Mr. President.
Mulvaney – These people live in cardboard boxes, Ben. They are not picky.
Trump - If we build the homeless housing, we’ll make the homeless pay for it. I don’t think they want homes, though. It kills their branding.
Carson – They’d no longer be homeless?
Trump – No longer homeless. No longer able to freeload by begging for change in the hot sun all day. They’d have to change their clothes and shower every day. People would be on to them.
Conway – There’s no way we can give them free houses. This is America. The richest country on earth with the strongest economy. They need to pull their own weight.
Mulvaney – What are your solutions, Sir?
Trump – I have a few. The main problem with homeless people is that we can see them.
Conway – We can mandate that they hide.
Carson – We can hire special police officers to seek them. If they get found, they get detained. We’ll use FEMA money. This is a national emergency.
Trump – I like that. I like that. Build more detention centers. Most of these homeless people are illegal aliens, anyway.
Mulvaney – The main problem, for you, Sir, is that you can see them, correct?
Trump – Not just me. The people who live in nice buildings don’t want to see them. Tourists visiting the greatest country in the world don’t want to see them. I was at a rally and a woman came up to me, holding her child, and told me, with tears in her eyes, “Mr. President, is there something we can do about the homeless? I don’t want my baby to see homeless people and think that it’s an okay lifestyle.” I told her; Donald J. Trump will solve this. Your baby will never have to look at a homeless person ever again.
Conway – That brought a tear to my eye. It’s a good thing I am mostly dried corn husk.
Carson – I have an idea. What if we made homeless people pretty?
Conway – I could give them all make-up tips.
Carson – I think we could camouflage them. They’re usually out in front of buildings, right?
Mulvaney – Make them dress like shrubbery!
Carson – Exactly! Dress like topiary or go to prison.
Trump – You know the word “topiary”? You’re very smart for a black man, Ben.
Carson – Thank you, Mr. President.
Trump – Settled. I will issue an executive decision outlawing homelessness. Anyone who does not comply has to go to a “temporary” holding center. If they want to stay homeless, they have to dress like part of the landscape. Keep America Great!
ALL – Keep America Great!
Sure, they might get peed on. Small price to pay for solving homelessness.