The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Brand Dating with Poopie-DEW!
by Joe Janes
Online Coffee Date with Natalie and Rich
On Zoom in their own apartments
August 12, 2020 11:30am
Attendance: Natalie, Rich, and Lance
(Natalie is alone in a Zoom meeting sipping a cup of coffee. Rich joins.)
Natalie – Hi, Rich.
Rich – Hi, hi. Sorry, I’m late, Natalie.
Natalie – No problem.
Rich – I was on the phone, trying to figure out something, I- …It’s-
Lance (voice only-whispering) – Just say “hello”.
Rich – Hello.
Lance (voice only-whispering) – The way we said.
Rich – Sorry. I meant. Hi-low!
Natalie – Hi-low?
Rich – It’s the way I say “hello” now. It’s…my brand.
Natalie – Your what?
Rich – Thanks for meeting me for coffee.
Natalie – You’re actually my first online pandemic date.
Rich – Wow. Really? That’s cool.
Natalie - Feels like we’re really sitting in a nice little café somewhere. “Waiter, more coffee, please, or no tip.” I tip.
Rich - What are you drinking?
Natalie – Coffee. (pause) And you?
Rich – It’s just water. Coffee upsets my stomach.
Lance (voice only-whispering) – It’s not just water.
Rich – It’s not just water. Right. It’s coffee. It’s bullet coffee. Bullet coffee, because I shoot from the lip. It has real bullets in it.
(Rich takes a sip from a plain looking mug.)
Lance (voice only-whispering) – Wrong mug!
Rich – Oh. Right.
(Rich pours the water, with bullets, into a larger, more severe looking mug.)
Rich – More bullets, waiter, or no tip.” I tip.
Lance – (voice only-whipsering) – No, you don’t.
Rich – I don’t. I mean. I don’t tip.
Natalie – Is someone there with you?
Rich – What? No. I’m alone. Completely alone. At my …studio?…crib?
Lance - (voice only-whispering) - Compound.
Rich – Compound.
Natalie – At your studio crib compound. I see. Pretty sure I heard a voice.
(Lance turns on his screen.)
Lance – Busted! She’s a smart cookie, Poopie-DEW.
Natalie – Poopie-DEW?
Rich – That’s my new name. My new YouTube name. Do you like it?
(Natalie almost answers-)
Lance – P-o-o-p-i-e-hyphen-D-E-W. I’m Poopie-DEW’s brand manager. Lance. Nice to meet you.
Natalie – You have a brand manager and you brought them on a date, Rich?
Lance – Poopie-DEW currently has 64 subscribers on YouTube, 2,983 followers on Twitter – up 10 since hiring me this morning, BTW. Everything else, SnapChat, Tik Tok, not worth wasting my vocal cords on. But, you’ll see, Natalie, by the end of this year, Poopie-DEW will be dripping from everyone’s lips.
Rich – This pandemic has made me realize what my true calling is.
Natalie – To be called Poopie-DEW?
Rich – To be an influencer.
Natalie – You’re a schoolteacher. You technically are an influencer.
Rich – I need something less dangerous that pays more.
Natalie – Well, Rich –
Rich and Lance – Poopie-DEW.
Natalie - This isn’t exactly-
Lance – She’s got the smokey eye.
Natalie – I have the what?
Lance – The smokey eye. Exotic. You’d make a great girlfriend for Poopie-DEW.
Natalie – Bet I wouldn’t. .
Lance – When Poopie-DEW says something racist, in Phase Two of my strategic plan, he can say, “I’m not racist. My girlfriend is…whatever you are.”
Natalie – What I am is going to the ladies room.
(She leaves her camera on but leaves the frame.)
Rich – I thought she was at home.
Lance – I think she is. (pause) Let’s plan your next YouTube video. I have an idea that will guarantee you go viral. Walk into a bank naked and pretend to rob it.
Rich – That’s a great idea. I can wear a mask, though, right?
Lance – No. No mask. You can also scream at them about your constitutional rights.