I Believe... [in Public Dildo Stories]

...that the effects of the Trumpstain will be felt for years to come like the trauma of living with a terrible partner. I expect that in a few years there will be a cottage industry built by Gen Z adults claiming self-diagnosed PTSD from the experience and there will be at least seventeen Netflix specials as they caterwaul their existential angst.

...that everyone needs a little Fran Leibowitz from time to time.

...that if your idea of protest results in destruction and violence, you’re just too lazy to use persuasion and theatrics to make your point.

...that PIXAR has us anthropomorphizing everything: toys, robots, feelings. It makes perfect sense that people try to frame COVID as somehow giving a shit that we’re tired of it and just would like to pretend it’ll go away because we ignore it. 388,000 deaths in the US alone (and counting) means that our feelings don’t matter.

...that the problem with telling a dildo story in a off-shoot casino bar and grill is that there might be a kid somewhere in the room who will overhear it. On the other hand, any kid today who hasn’t heard about dildos is far too sheltered with the ideological plastic helmet to survive past ten years old.