President Joe Biden’s Other First 100 Days List
President Joe Biden is ready to rock the shit out of this country.
by Joe Janes
Joe Biden has vowed to bring strength, compassion, and dignity back to the office of the president. He released an aggressive First 100 Days agenda.
But what are Joe’s personal goals for himself for each day. It’s just as ambitious and here it is…
1) Pick a fist fight with Gritty
2) Challenge interns to “Punch Ol’ Joe in the gut.” To show off my abs
3) Binge watch “The Wire” again
4) Finish that Sudoku puzzle I started in the bathroom in 1987
5) Teach Kamala Obama and my’s secret handshake
6) Shave the dogs
7) Play Hide ‘n’ Seek with Secret Service agents
8) Get my body upholstered in leather
9) Practice my uneven bars routine for the US Olympic Trials
10) Prevent an earthquake with my mind
11) Eat a bucket of atomic chicken wings
12) Wear my clothes backwards and walk backwards all day
13) Shoot boudoir pics for my calendar
14) Eat a bucket of ice cream without my hands
15) Wrestle a bear
16) Appoint bear to a cabinet position
17) Dress up like an old school fringe-y cowboy for Jill
18) Clean out that junk drawer that we didn’t clean out before moving
19) Ask staff for volunteers for cannibal experiment
20) Eat pizza without cheese
21) Read the Bible out loud in my God voice
22) Meet with generals and demand they let me tickle them
23) Eat sherbet out of a feedbag
24) Pass executive order that sherbet be officially spelled sherbert
25) Watch all of Jim Verney’s movies simultaneously
26) Stand at Whitehouse window, look deep in thought, then suddenly jump up and click my heels and shout “Eureka!”
27) Hangout around the monuments busking with my harmonica
28) Knit a cozy for my Camaro
29) Learn to speak Portuguese
30) Sniff Hair Day
31) Kill a whale with my bare hands
32) Learn a magic trick
33) Finally put all those pennies into penny rolls
34) Tippy Toe Day
35) Build a life-size Play-Doh statue of Sacagawea
36) Make Canada a state
37) Announce that I will be riding a motorcycle when I enter the senate chambers to give the State of the Union Address
38) Hang out with the youngsters at the Senior Center
39) See what happens when I eat rope
40) Lead a hot yoga class in the ballroom
41) Put a dozen foosball tables on that tennis court
42) Dig up that bland rose garden and put in some corn and some of that purple cabbage stuff Jill likes
43) Teach Lady Gaga my signature moves
44) Go parasailing over the Potomac
45) Challenge Mitch McConnell to a duel
46) Be dropped naked in the middle of Wyoming to survive on my own for the day
47) Paint like Bob Ross
48) Hire tuba player to follow me around all day
49) Make my own oatmeal
50) Issue executive order to Hollywood that end credits can’t be any longer than three minutes and to let people know if there’s a mid or end credits scene
51) Set up confetti canon in Lincoln’s lap at memorial
52) Be taller
53) Make “Speak Like A Pirate Day” a national holiday with banks and government offices closed
54) Learn to cook blowfish
55) Eat cheese out of my closed fists
56) Offer free hand car washes to White House tourists
57) Go to the homeless shelter with my “Free Hugs” sign
58) Shave the dogs again
59) Marzipan is not a dog breed – learn it for good
60) Break the Guinness World Record for largest bubble blown with gum
61) Climb Mount Rushmore in a yellow jumpsuit and dangle from Teddy Roosevelt’s nose
62) Put my face on a coin but make it so it winks at you
63) Try to lick myself the way the dogs do
64) Host a cabinet poetry slam
65) Fuck it – Let’s go to Vegas! 46 on Red!
66) Make all the countries at Epcot Center US territories
67) Let’s try fried bull testicles
68) Walk through the park and only talk to pets, ignore their owners
69) Make a fluffy omelet
70) Rap Battle with Jimmy Carter
71) White House yard sale – There’s a lot of junk here
72) Make healthy snacks for supreme court justices
73) Try something new with Kombucha – olives?
74) Release the secret files on Bigfoot
75) Do a new vision board
76) Send Inauguration thank you notes – I’m so behind on this!
77) Make Girl Scouts a formal branch of the military
78) Replace Space Force with flying Girl Scouts
79) Take set of A-Team travel mugs to pawn shop
80) Work on tightrope routine – no net
81) Nominate Dolly Parton for sainthood
82) Get the dogs’ toys out from under the refrigerator
83) Do the dishes
84) Go see a play (not Ford Theater)
85) Buy a telescope
86) Read a trashy novel
87) Take Jill to one of those restaurants where they make the guacamole at your table but surprise her by taking it over and making the guac myself
88) Twister Day in the Oval Office
89) Walk around with blank video tape cassette and whisper to people, “I have the pee tape.”
90) Email all my tweets so far to Trump so he can enjoy them, too
91) Put up my blacklight posters
92) Pizza Roll Eating Contest on the South Lawn
93) Dance a jig
94) See if I can fit my fist in my mouth
95) Everyone gets a dog
96) Hook accordion up to the furnace to stoke the embers
97) Pitch idea for solar-powered bomb rocket catapult to ACME
98) Dress up like old-timey crook and try to walk by security
99) Wear a crown and eat mutton noisily
100) Free healthcare for all (JK!)
A military man, on President Biden’s behalf, attempts a five finger death punch to Gritty’s chest.