Cheez Slyces
It seemed like a good idea—or maybe a funny idea—at the time but this was going sideways fast.
Twelve hours earlier, Jessica was completely out of her mind.
Tandy, her roommate, was the morning's sounding board (as she often was) and half-listened to Jessica while putting on her face.
"What do I have to do to get some more followers? Goddamn it! Did you know that Rudy got 1.2 million views on that stupid skateboard trick video he did? I did the "Why are you out of uniform?" meme, slipped into a bikini and bounced my tits. Those are always getting views and all mine got was 2,000 views. Do I look bad in a bikini?"
"Huh? No. You look great."
"Maybe I should get some tattoos. Those tattoo bitches are always getting a lot of attention. I mean, what do I have to do to get something to go viral?"
"That's just it, Jess. Viral can't be forced. Just film something unique. Something no one has seen before."
Jessica sighed and sat down with her phone. She put in her AirPods and opened up TikTok.
A video of that woman who wears a tiny top and brags about being a swinger.
Swipe
A girl with pink hair, pink eyebrows, lying on a pink bedspread staring into the camera.
Swipe
The girl who dresses up as Slave Princess Leia.
Swipe
A baby crying then it's dad throws a piece of Kraft cheese at its face and it stops crying.
Swipe
Wait. What?
She swiped back to the baby. It was a short compilation of babies wigging out and the dad's hitting them in the face with a sandwich slice of cheese and the babies looking confused and frozen.
"OMG! This is HYSTERICAL!"
The night before she had re-watched Promising Young Woman because she loved Carrie Mulligan dressing up to troll skeevy guys in bars. Those assholes deserved it and it was always great to see a woman take control of those shitty moments.
She thought about Carrie. She watched the baby video. Promising Young Woman. Cheese slice shock.
She had her idea.
"God, I'm getting s-o-o-o drunk," she giggled.
The bar was smaller than she expected. It was dark and narrow. She was the only woman in the place and, of the three men present, this guy was the only one wearing a tie. The bartender was a dude, too.
"That's the idea, right? It's a bar. That's what happens in a bar." His mouth was smiling but his eyes weren't. He kept looking at her tits and his hand was on her left thigh, roughly gripping and creeping closer to her crotch.
She put her hand on his. "C'mon. What kind of girl do you think I am?"
Again the smile without the eyes. "I think I know exactly what kind."
She laughed uncomfortably but didn't want to blow the ruse.
"Gotta tinkle!" she announced and hopped off the barstool. In the bathroom, she took a look in the mirror.
God, what a fucking slut! You look amazing!
She checked her clutch. In it were three unsheathed slices of Kraft American cheese, separated by light blue Post-It Notes and her iPhone.
You're ready, you promising young woman. Let's go get viral!
She approached him from behind and murmured in his ear, "Take me home, OK?"
He threw back his shot of tequila, washed it down with the last bit of Modelo in the bottle and turned. "Let's go."
As they walked out the door, he put his hand on her ass and the other on her shoulder. He was stronger than he looked. He steered her away from the parking lot and to an area behind the building.
"Where're we going? Is your car back here?"
"Sure."
Before she knew what was happening, it was happening. He pulled her hard to him and jammed his mouth onto hers. He was like an animal. His hands pinned her arms behind her and she could feel the lump of his cock under his slacks. He hummed something tuneless and primal.
She pushed herself hard away from him, lost her balance, and fell on her ass. The gravel of the asphalt bit into her legs. She fumbled for her phone. It dropped out at her side. He was coming for her so she grabbed a slice of cheese and hurled it at his face.
It hit him square in the eyes. He stopped. She grabbed her phone and pointed it at him.
He wiped the cheese off his face but he wasn't docile and confused like a baby. He was enraged.
"Fucking cunt..." and he slapped her across the head, making her left ear ring. She tossed out the other two pieces of cheese. One missed him, the other landed on his shoulder.
He punched her in the face and she almost lost consciousness. She felt him on her and his hands pulling up her dress. As he ripped her panties with one hand, the piece of cheese dropped from his shoulder and plopped right onto her face.
Her panic went limp. She was confused and calm.
Oh. That's how it works on babies.
