Ten Things Harder to Acquire Than an Assault Weapon in America
I woke up furious. Maybe it was the dreams I could vaguely remember. Perhaps it was my overwhelming sense of shame and guilt for being a white male who owns the Harry Potter books and likes to read Quillette. There is a possibility it was the recollection of that one time I told a beautiful woman she looked nice and was then hauled into HR for sexual harassment.
Whatever it was, I was enraged. I wanted to hurt people, hurt myself. I looked around and realized I had no weapons. Nothing to inflict the kind of damage I decided the rest of the world deserved.
I got busy.
"Lawn darts," I thought. "With. Like, thirty lawn darts I could wound a lot of people."
I went to Walmart. No lawn darts. I went to a few sporting goods stores. Not a single fucking lawn dart to be had. Not even one that I could get stabby with or re-use thirty or forty times.
A guy at the counter of the Home Depot told me that they were called "Jarts" and they were illegal for purchase. Turns out a couple of kids got injured by lawn darts and they were banned for sale.
What the H, E, double hockey sticks!?
What was deadly and available? Roquefort cheese. I could force-feed Roquefort down the throats of some people. They'd die of excessive cheese (especially if I found a movie theater or school for lactose-intolerant people). Fuck, yeah!
Except that Roquefort cheese is illegal in the U.S. Something about the FDA banning it because of concerns about harmful bacteria like E. coli and salmonella.
This is nuts!?
I suppose I could go get a car and drive through a Dairy Queen at a high speed but buying a car takes weeks and you have to have a driver's license. Also money. Getting a license is like living in a third world country trying to buy a goat. The freaking lines are ridiculous and the goats are notoriously uncooperative.
Sudafed? Nope. Something about meth.
Register to Vote?
Get health insurance?
Go fishing?
Close my bank account?
Read Ulysses?
I hunkered down and started to look into what someone, filled with rage and a desire for destruction and murderous intent, might do to maximize my lust for killing.
Imagine my surprise when I found out how flipping' easy is was to buy a high capacity automatic rifle. I mean, in Florida, it takes a three-day waiting period to purchase a handgun but I can buy an AR-15 with nothing but cash and an ID.
Apparently, back in 1994, President Bill Clinton banned assault weapons but in 2004 the GOP controlled Senate let that order expire. Funny that in 1994, mass shootings went down dramatically but in 2004, they went up 290%. Thank you, GOP, right?
For a few thousand bucks, I can go to SportsmanOutdoorSuperstore.com and order a Savage MSR 15 Recon 2.0 5.56mm NATO AR-15 Rifle with M-LOK Rail just like I could buy a Cactus Back Scratcher from Amazon. Free shipping, too!
In April 1996, a 28-year-old man armed with semi-automatic rifles entered a cafe in the small Australian town of Port Arthur, shot and killed 35 people and injured 23 others. It was the worst mass shooting in Australian history.
The day after the massacre, the country’s prime minister, John Howard (a newly elected leader), started to put together the most sweeping gun control reforms ever contemplated by any Australian government.
The country passed the National Firearms Agreement, which banned automatic, semi-automatic and pump-action shotguns. It also introduced a stricter system for licensing and owning guns. The agreement is considered one of the strictest gun laws in the world.
Freaking commies. They have almost no mass shootings at all now.
Turns out ten days before the dude popped a cap in random strangers in Boulder, CO, Boulder County District Court Judge Andrew Hartman ruled that a 2018 ban, which outlawed the possession, sale or transfer of assault weapons and large-capacity magazines (LCMs), was invalid because it ran contrary to state law. Four days later, Ahmad Al Aliwi Alissa grabbed himself one.
I smacked myself in the forehead. "Lawn darts!" I laughed. "I went shopping for lawn darts when I could get a portable murder machine without even law enforcement doing anything to stop me."
