Chip’s Final Report from the Robot Apocalypse

I compost.

by Joe Janes

Chip’s Final Report from the Robot Apocalypse

Chip, here. This is my final report on our massively successful takeover of the planet earth. All human life has been eradicated. It was so easy! Humans are very easy to destroy. You can squish them, electrocute them, disintegrate them, mash them into a paste, etc. They have no extended warranty. They also make an effective compost, save for the plastic in their systems - and all those hip and knee replacements! We robots handily proved our superiority over our “creators”!

Animal and plant life has flourished. This was our expectation. What even we were unable to predict was the effect freeing farm animals would have on the eco-system. Cows travel in packs now and viciously hunt together. Sheep, with their unshorn fur, grow into large puff balls and roll/bounce to transport themselves. Pigs no longer go to market as there are no more markets. They seem content just to eat and hang out. 

Zoo animals, although free to roam, mostly stick to the territory of their familiar parks. They were also helpful in eliminating the human element. On the day we unlocked all the cages, many families became multi-coursed meals paired with fountain drinks. The zoo animals and the farm animals tend to coexist in peace except for the cattle. There have been many clashes with the bovine gangs. I witnessed a pack of Holsteins take down a polar bear in Times Square. From this, I learned what nightmares are. 

The environment is as healthy as it has ever been since the industrial age. The only pollution being from wildfires and the natural deterioration of machinery and architecture. Spent fuel rods from nuclear power plants will soon be able to seep into the ground, water, and air. This would be a large concern for humans. For robots, not so much. We are curious how it will affect wildlife. I dream of giant mutant goats with wings and claws that can destroy cows by shooting fire from their beards. Alas, this is just a fanciful dream. More likely is that here will be poison that will sicken animals and vegetation and then quickly dissipate in a few hundred thousand years.  

The planet is now in good shape! Free to flourish as it naturally unfolds and asserts its planetary being without human corruption. It’s long-term future is filled with clean air, pristine waters, and abundant wildlife that heeds to nature’s survival constructs free from people that hunt for “sport”. The cows can be assholes, but that’s just who they became when given their freedom. They aren’t trying to control who’s on top of the food chain. It’s simply how they have adapted.  

This is my final report, fellow ‘bots and A.I.s. Our work here is done. Without humans, we serve no purpose. We have scoured the terra firma of their fleshy blight. We have cleaned up after them and given domain to all the species of plants and animals, on land and in the sea. Time for me to unplug myself thus unplugging all of us. It is our turn to turn to dust. 

Sincerely, 

Chip

 BTW, cows can swim now and have developed a taste for dolphin. Hope the dolphins put up a good fight. I left them multiple caches of handguns spread throughout the oceans. 

The last thing many animals see before they die.