Meet the NEW Taliban!
The New Taliban! (Sorry, we are still working on where to look when we take group selfies.)
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by Joe Janes
Hello, Tali-FANS!
My name is Zab the Man Mujahid, brand manager for the NEW Taliban. We are very excited about the opportunities we are going to bring to Afghanistan! Spread the word! We are Tali-BACK, baby!
You might have brutal images in your mind about the OLD Taliban. Stonings, beheadings, amputations, women kept prisoners in their homes and not allowed to come out unless accompanied by a man and covered in a tarp.
That is just not who we are anymore! Times have changed and so have we even though we will still follow Sharia law which is 900 years old.
What will be different?
Stonings – We will only use soft rocks. Stonings may take longer, but they will be way more comfortable. Like a lethal massage.
Public Beheadings – Keep your head on! We don’t want it. Instead of beheadings, people will be forced to wear headless horsemen costumes for the rest of their lives. While we won’t really behead you, we will de-tongue you, because you’re not supposed to have a mouth.
Amputations – Look, you get caught stealing a candy bar, of course you expect your hand to be cut off. No more! We’ll take a pinky for the first infraction. A finger for each subsequent crime. If you are not rehabilitated after ten crimes, we start moving up the arms. If you somehow continue to commit crimes, with your mouth or aggressive blinking, we still won’t behead you… but we might amputate your torso.
Women’s Rights – We’re the NEW Taliban! We recognize women. Unless you’re standing in front of a black wall, we see you! Women are totally allowed to pursue education and positions in government. You are now allowed to read as many books as you can conceal under your burka. You also can only read alone in a dark room by the light of a single birthday candle.
You can choose from many Taliban-approved woman empowering books, like:
Pray, Cook, Pray, Love Your Husband, Pray, Pray, Pray
I Know Why the Caged Bird Keeps Quiet
My Body, My Husband’s Choice by Mrs. Mitch McConnell
We also welcome women to the world of governing by men. Some minor stipulations, of course. You are not allowed to vote and may only speak if the men who govern are not in the room. Otherwise, welcome!
Wardrobe – Great news, ladies! You can wear absolutely anything you want. Anything! Just as long as it’s under a burka and every inch of your flesh is covered with a thick dark heat and light absorbing blanket.
Good news for Shariah law-abiding men, too! Starting Monday…JORTS!
Please, welcome us with open arms as we are armed and open about using them, but we don’t want to. Don’t make us!
Follow us on Twitter @TaliBACK!
Zab the Man Mujahid, Brand Manager, Taliban, Inc.
Sentenced to life imprisonment in this costume. The New Taliban might be even crueler.