Let’s Ruin Your Favorite Shows and Movies!
Courtney Cox clearly had some work done.
written by Joe Janes
We here at the MOOLM office hate not knowing what’s going to happen in our favorite TV shows and films. If you’re like us, you often shout at movies screens, “Why didn’t someone tell me there were two killers!?!” The last two pandemic years have been chock full of unpleasant surprises in real life, we don’t need that kind of shake up in our escapist entertainment.
We will tell you all you need to know about these current and upcoming blockbusters and smash hits to set your mind at ease. You’re welcome.
OZARKS: To save his family, Marty moves his family to an even suckier place - Branson, Missouri - and launders money for the Russian mafia through Yakov Smirnoff’s theatre. Also, Yakov’s an assassin. What a country!
SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME: Every iteration of Spider-Man shows up including the guy from the TV show in the 70s who’s now Spidey with a walker and whose webs look like he’s casting a limp net to catch fish. Everyone is grossed out by Tobey Maguire’s glandular web shooting and Tom Holland’s pissed because they keep going off prematurely around Zendaya.
SCREAM: Turns out the real Ghostface is Courtney Cox in cahoots with her plastic surgeon and Hollywood’s hatred of women who dare to get older.
HOW I MET YOUR FATHER: We don’t find out.
THE BOOK OF BOBA FETT: Black Krrsantan, the wookie mercenary, realizes the Hutts are just giant slugs with no real power. He kills them by soaking them in butter, roasting them to perfection, and serving them on a toasted baguette.
MATRIX RESURRECTIONS: Watching this movie is the equivalent of soaking your brain in liquid blue pills. Also, Keanu Reeves is really Dolly Parton.
TED LASSO: In the locker room, Ted reveals in the last episode of the next season that he’s really actor Jason Sedeikis and that they’ve all been punked - and he’s probably the father of their children.
PEACEMAKER: The big reveal here is that John Cena is funnier and a better actor than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. There. I said it.
BETTER CALL SAUL: Saul dies and Breaking Bad was just a dream Patrick Duffy’s wife had.
BEL-AIR: Even though it’s a gritty reboot of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, they still use a laugh track that giggles uncomfortably during serious moments.
PICARD: Q mocks Picard for being an android without any enhanced abilities. He also turns Picard’s ball sack into dilithium crystals. In the finale, Picard has to teabag a Borg drone to hack into its ship’s defense system.
THE WALKING DEAD: FINAL SEASON: We discover the show died six seasons ago and itself has been a zombie cannibal eating itself.
Know of any spoilers we missed? Please put them in the comments below!
How I Met Your Father takes an ugly turn midseason.