Dr. Oz’s Miracle Cures for Our Nation
Dr. Oz wants your vote. And to smell your heart, apparently.
by Joe Janes
Vote for
Dr. Mehmet Oz
for Senator
Here’s where he stands on the issues important to our country and his current state.
On Election Integrity
Votes are like uncovered sneezes. Each vote sprays air-born bugs that will either help us or harm us. Many people, particularly democrats, are trying to harm the body of our nation with their dirty vote sneezes. USANA Vote Sanitizer filters and cleans votes so only the good ones get through.
On Gun Control
The only guns I want to control are the ones I flex in front of my bathroom mirror every morning. Guns are nature’s immune system for fighting crime infections. What our state needs is more guns to cleanse the germs of crime out of the Keystone State.
On Illegal Immigrants
First off, governors in southern states need to stop sending busloads of immigrants to affluent neighborhoods on the east coast, because that’s where I live. This issue does affect everyone, so as your senator, I am happy to introduce USANA Brown Blockers ointment. It’s an ointment we can rub into the soil at Pennsylvania’s borders. Blockers creates antigens which detect illegal immigrants and expels them from the state’s system. And it’s all natural!*
*It’s not all natural.
On Climate Change
What if I told you America could reduce its amount of greenhouse gases without changing its consumption of oil? Sounds like a miracle, right? No clumsy solar panels, no cancer-causing wind mills, no having to worry about where you can plug in your electric car. It has been scientifically proven that people consume less if they sleep more. If elected, I will make sure every household in Pennsylvania gets all the USANA sleeping pills they need to keep off the road and lose weight.
On Abortion Rights
The solution to abortion is a pill. No. Wait. I take that back. No pills here. Just common sense advice from your physician and local political leader. Me.
Paid for by USANA – The Cellular Nutrition Company
This looks healthy.