Trump Announces Run for Warden

by Joe Janes

This is the transcript of Donald J. Trump’s announcement last night

from a federal penitentiary in Kansas.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming out to the yard, today. Look at this turnout. Biggest turn out ever in the yard. My fellow inmates, Leavenworth’s comeback starts right now. We all know Leavenworth used to be a great and glorious penitentiary. People were proud to wear their orange jumpsuits. Now we are a prison in decline, full of criminals. That’s why I am announcing my candidacy to be your new warden. Sleepy Don Hudson has run this place into the ground. It’s time to put us back on track. I can do this job all by myself, but I guess I have to choose a running mate. I choose my cellmate, Joey Pickles. Joey’s a good man. Very loyal. Doing time because he refused to rat out his boss. I could have used more men like Joey when I was on the outside.

Elect me warden and I will fix all the problems we have. There are a lot of Mexicans coming in and they are taking our jobs in the laundry room, in the canteen, along the highway. They are not sending us their best people. My enemies on the left say I’m racist. I’m not racist. I don’t care about color. I care about wealth. Skin color is a far second. If you’re a smart sophisticated businessman, like me, you should be first in line in the cafeteria and allowed to get as many seconds as you want. Why don’t we have an omelet station? You say you want to rehabilitate people, give them freedom over what meat and cheese they want in their eggs like our founding fathers had in their prisons.

We have a gym, which some of you use. Look at Darryl, my black friend with the biceps, there. We need more. Elect me warden, and I’ll take that field where they make us plant vegetables and turn it into a golf course. The most beautiful golf course you’ve ever seen. There’s enough room for two or three holes. I’ve already drawn up some designs with toilet paper and a dull pencil.

Of course, all my haters are going to tell you that a prisoner can’t run for warden. Don’t believe them. It’s all lies. They want to see Trump fail. We will show them.

One more thing, many of you know how to make wine in your toilet. That’s incredible. Does anyone know how to make Diet Coke in a toilet?

Make America Great Again, please.