A Letter from Uncle Sam
by Joe Janes
Dear America,
Hey, you scrappy little country. It’s me! Your Uncle Sam. I’m the guy with the white hair and beard who dresses like he’s on his way to a Trump Rally. You usually see me on posters encouraging young people to join the armed services and fight bad guys for your country. Well, I’m coming at you again. This time, though, you don’t have to wear a uniform or get a haircut. By the way, get a haircut, you hippy.
Back during World War 2, you know, the war we got right, people in America made sacrifices in order to divert resources to the military. Making a sacrifice is something simple you can do to help make a difference. It’s as easy as wearing a mask to help prevent the spread of a deadly disease. Right now, we are at war for our very own democracy. You can see it plainly in how some people are actually rooting for the Russians in the invasion of Ukraine. If they aren’t blatantly cheering Putin on, they are somehow blaming Biden for the invasion. Don’t try to do the math on that one. There isn’t any and it will just hurt your brain.
I’m calling on you to stand up and be a true patriot. Here’s what Uncle Sam wants YOU to do!
Stop Watching Tucker Carlson - Seriously, this guy has resting douche face and only spews stuff designed to get aging white people riled up and rooting for the wrong side. He’s Russia’s version of Tokyo Rose right here on our soil. I believe in free speech, so I’m not talking about banning him. I want you to simply turn the channel or turn off your TV. Stop putting coins into this little dancing monkey’s butt.
Stop Bitching About Gas Prices - It’s not the president’s fault. Oil companies are reporting record profits to their shareholders while telling consumers the war in Ukraine and inflation are to blame. They are gouging you. Go ride a bike, take a walk, car pool. At the very least, trade your Hummer in for a good old American car, like a Prius.
Vote The Hateful Idiot Nut Bags Out Of Office - You know who they are. You only like them because they hate the same people you hate. Stop blaming other races and genders for the quality of your own life and get back to what this country was founded on. All men are created equal. And by men, I mean everyone. We weren’t savvy about gender identity and pronouns back then. Plus, some of them actually did mean just men, but that’s a different story.
Stop Claiming Racism If You Are White - Seriously, now. Do you know how ridiculous you sound? You’re projecting your own racist baloney. America is a melting pot. Welcome all ingredients. Otherwise, your stew is 90% overcooked bland potatoes and 10% suppressed yummy spices. Yuck!
Stop Making 3-Hour Superhero Movies - What are you trying to prove? Your bladder is made out of steel? Your movie about a guy who fights crime in tights is serious? This one is more of a pet peeve, I guess, but while I have the platform…
There you go! Time to take pride in America again and fight for what’s right, not for what gets ratings or fills the pockets of billionaires.
God Bless America,
Uncle Sam
Bullshit geyser.