Texas Perplexus

Many delegates at the Texas Republican Convention were unable to detect a heartbeat.

by Joe Janes

Last week, The Texas Republican Convention voted to approve a party platform that included the planks; rejecting “the certified results of the 2020 Presidential election, requiring students to learn that life begins at fertilization, and treating homosexuality as “an abnormal lifestyle choice”.

Those are the issues that have received the most attention in the news.

There were 275 platform planks overall.

Here are some of the other new Texas GOP Policies:

-       Any woman bending over or squatting for any reason will be considered “asking for it” and therefore responsible for any resulting pregnancy.

-       Demand a return to rotary dial phones, even on mobile phones.

-       Flag burning is punishable by death unless said flag has all the colors of the rainbow.

-       Federal holidays such as Martin Luther King Day and Juneteenth are to be considered days of remembrance and reflection – JK!!! JK!!!

-       When discussing the Civil War in classrooms, teachers shall only refer to slaves as “unpaid interns”.

-       “Stand Your Ground” laws can be used to defend mass shooters and police officers who do not respond to mass shooters.

-       Guns.

-       Not recognizing LGBTQ as an acronym because it doesn’t make a word we can pronounce like SCUBA or NASCAR.

-       We are all free and have equal rights except for women, children, colored people, liberals, the gays, the jews, and the Muslims. And cattle.

-       Arm teachers, students, and the custodial staff of schools. Give that CPR dummy one, too.

-       All elections we lose are rigged.

-       People are free to practice whatever Christian religion they wish. Methodist, Episcopalian, Lutheran, we’re all the same under God.

-       Trump. Guns. Jesus. The Holy Trinity.

-       Make Christianity the official religion of the United States. All sporting events, school days, work days, meals, and procreation shall begin with a prayer. ALL sporting events. Including Beer Pong.

-       Demand Disney reinstate Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear.

-       There should only be two TV channels – One for Fox News and the other only running Walker, Texas Ranger (The good one).

-       Men can only act gay or wear women’s clothing when it is for comedic effect and they don’t do anything too gay.

-       Mental Health is for crazy people. Telltale signs of mental illness include not voting Republican, not being Christian, not owning a gun, and having preferred pronouns.

-       It will be a felony to interrupt Ted Cruz while he is eating in a restaurant or on vacation.

Where there’s bull, there’s bullshit.