The Dumbass Tree
Once there was a tree....
and he loved a woman
And everyday the woman would come
and she would gather his leaves
and make them into tiaras
and play queen of the forest.
She would climb up his trunk
and swing from his branches
and eat apples.
And they would play hide-and-go-seek.
And when she was tired,
She would sleep in his shade.
But the woman only sort of loved the tree....
The tree didn't know she only sort of loved him
So the tree was happy.
And the woman grew bored.
And the tree was often alone.
Then one day the woman came to the tree
and the tree said, "Come, Lady, come and
climb up my trunk and swing from my
branches and eat apples and play in my
shade and be happy."
"Why are you being so clingy?" the woman taunted.
"Your leaves are so ordinary and your apples so bland.
"And I'm soooo bored just swinging from your branches."
The tree didn't know what to say
So he smiled through his hurt feelings.
The next morning, the woman said "Don't pay attention to
Anything I say. I'm a terrible person, aren't I?"
"No," said the tree. "You're a wonderful person.
"I'm just a boring tree. Take some apples to share with your friends."
And the woman took the apples
And the tree was happy.
But the woman stayed away for a long time....
and the tree was sad.
And then one day the woman came back
and the tree shook with joy
and he said, "Come, Lady, climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches and be happy."
The tree loved the woman but even more than the woman
The tree loved the idea of being in love.
What the tree didn't know
Because trees were long on roots but fucking short on brains
Was that woman only loved two things:
Herself and immediate gratification.
"You're a perfectly adequate tree," the woman told him.
"But I need my independence and will continue to leave you
For stretches at a time and you'll just have to accept it."
Because the tree was in love (and in love with being in love)
He accepted it.
And the tree was (mostly) happy.
When the woman came by from time to time
The tree always had presents for her to entice her to stay.
Sometimes it was one of his branches carved into a figure he thought she'd like
And other times it was apple pie from his apples
Or a wreath made from his leaves.
She rarely had presents for him
But he didn't mind (mostly).
One day, after a long absence
The woman showed up but had the leaf of another tree on her shoe.
"Whose leaf is that on your shoe?" asked the tree.
"Oh, this leaf? Just a tree I met. You're not jealous, are you?"
The tree knew jealously was pointless as he was rooted into the ground
So what's he gonna do?
"Nope. Not jealous. I trust you, Lady."
And he did without reservation.
The tree ripped his remaining branches off
To make her a bench for her to relax upon.
It left him bare of leaves and no more apples grew
But he so loved the woman
And thought she would appreciate the gesture.
"What's this bench? I didn't ask for this bench.
Why would you think I'd want to sit on this bench?"
The woman took the bench, dismantled it
And sold it for kindling to a local homeowner who had a fire pit.
And the tree was less than happy
But put on a brave trunk
And pretended it didn't hurt his feelings.
Then one day, the woman came around with three leaves
From the tree she met so long ago.
"What the fuck is going on?" demanded the tree.
"I've been sitting under this other tree for, like, a year now."
"Will you stop sitting under that tree?"
"No."
And the tree was sad.
Two days later, the woman sat on the grass next to the tree
Who was more like a big, branchless pole than a tree by now
And said "I have a confession.
"I sit under lots of trees when I'm away."
"Lots?"
"Lots. I'm a horticulturist."
The tree knew the answer before he asked but brains were not his strong suit.
"Will you stop... horticulturing?"
"No. I like it. I like a lot of trees."
And the woman left for good.
And the tree felt like a complete dumbass.
