NASA Blows Up Asteroid Asks “Who Else Wants Some?”

Artist’s rendering.

by Joe Janes

A spaceship sent by NASA crashed into an asteroid on Monday to see if the institution could disrupt the asteroid’s orbit and, in scientific terms, f@ck it up. A NASA spokesperson said, “This was just an experiment with the potential of providing very significant data useful in how we engage with our celestial neighborhood. In other words, don’t mess with Earth.”

A NASA engineer expounded, “Nice rings you got there, Saturn. It would be a shame if something happened to them. Don’t like it when we say you’re not a planet, Neptune? You’re really not going to like it when people call you a pile of floating rubble. What are you looking at, K2-18b? We don’t care if you’re 110 light years away. Just give us a reason.”

The NASA spokesperson went on, “They got the dinosaurs. They won’t get us. Not without a fight. Earthlings can sleep more soundly tonight.”

Scientists around the world have heralded NASA’s “flex” and consider it to be a pretty good idea in order to keep the riff-raff out of our solar system. Others believe NASA is being way too cocky before they even know exactly what kind of damage, if any, they did to the asteroid. Such information could be weeks away. A spokesperson from the International Let Me Explain Society said, “All they know is that the impactor they sent hit its target and lost its signal. It might have shifted the asteroid’s orbit, it might have broken up the rock into some smaller rocks, it also might not have done anything but leave a crumpled-up rocket ship on its surface, you know, litter.”

Early prototype.