Who Doesn’t Want A Special Master?
by Joe Janes
On Monday, Labor Day, Trump-appointed U.S. District Judge Aileen Cannon laboriously sided with the former president to stop the Department of Justice from using any of the seized documents for its investigation until a “special master” is appointed and reviews all 11,000 documents.
Huzzah!
While it may not affect the investigation in the long run, it will certainly delay the investigation possibly for years once again denying libs the satisfaction of a Trump perp walk.
Judge-y Cannon justifies her decision with concerns that an indictment from the DOJ could cause reputational injury to Trump. This is distinct from the reputational injury the US has received from leaked and mishandled classified documents. Libs want to see Trump walk off his reputational injury in a prison yard.
She also said a special master addresses the need to ensure “the appearance of fairness and integrity under the extraordinary circumstances presented.” ‘Fairness and integrity” would actually be treating a criminal matter like a criminal matter without special treatment, like a special master. But since “fairness and integrity” have been cornerstones of the Trump administration…
Here is what else Judge Cannon ordered in the name of “fairness and integrity”:
- The special master may only refer to Donald Trump as “The True President”.
- Donald Trump will receive a jacuzzi filled with Diet Coke courtesy of US taxpayers.
- Donald Trump and his adult children will be granted unprecedented triple citizenship with the United States, Russia, and Saudi Arabia.
- Trump rally attendance numbers are required to be a minimum of the actual figure multiplied by 10.
- All future related court proceedings will be conducted in the main ballroom at Mar-a-Lago complete with a breakfast buffet for jurors.
- The special master will be given an unlimited supply of BBQ ribs and is not allowed to use paper towels or napkins.
This special master is currently unavailable.