Donating My Body to Science
I wish to donate my body to science. Or a haunted house.
by Joe Janes
Dear Science,
I have thought long and hard about this. As I get on in years, I fear I have not been much of a contribution in life. I am going to leave my body to you so that my death may matter and impact the well-being of others.
Sincerely,
Joe
Dear Joe,
Thanks?
Science
Dear Science,
What should I do with my body once I am dead?
Sincerely,
Joe
Joe,
Just leave it outside the door. Maybe with a note.
- S
Dear Science,
I don’t know about your neighborhood, but where I live, packages outside doors often get stolen. I’m worried that my body, my truest gift to science, my legacy if you will, might be ripped off by porch pirates.
Cautiously,
Joe
- J
I doubt that will happen, but just put it around the side of the building near the dumpsters. That’s where FedEx puts our packages when we’re not here.
- S
Dear Science,
I will do that and I will make sure I am clearly marked “not trash” so no one mistakes my body for something that should be inside the dumpster. A very clear label that says “For Science, From Joe, Not Trash”. Please enlighten me as to what you will be doing with my body. How will my ultimate contribution better forward human beings or mankind? Is there any way to say that without using “man”? I’m trying to be inclusive, even in death.
Excitedly,
Joe
You’re not going to have much of an impact on us homo sapiens. (That also sounds weird and not very inclusive.) You would actually be more useful to us alive. We could use you for platelets, blood, plasma. We could test lifesaving drugs on you. Nobody really wants to do that while alive. Fresh organs are helpful, but if you die of old age, well, come on. That’s like giving someone a set of bald flat tires and telling them they should appreciate it. The last person who donated their body to us was an old lady we just stuffed into a basement window to keep out raccoons. It didn’t work. They burrowed right through. I didn’t know raccoons burrowed. It’s a shame we don’t study raccoons cuz that would be an interesting project. Since that body now has a hole in it where there shouldn’t be one, we’d probably replace them with you. Maybe I’ll put up a live webcam with a clock and people can bet on when a raccoon will emerge from your abdomen.
- S
Dear Science,
I rescind my decision to give you my body. Just throw me in a hole somewhere and let me rest naked in Mother Nature’s sweet embrace.
- Joe
Raccoons dig that, too.
- S
I will donate my body to raccoon research. It’s out of my control.