An Open Letter About Ethics from Brett Kavanaugh

Judge not lest ye be ready to par-tay!

by Joe Janes

Hey, America!

It’s Supreme Court Justice and Catholic middle school girls basketball team coach Brett Kavanaugh. Go, Blessed Sacrament! Win one for old Coach K. And God. And for all the fetuses who hope to some day be able to grow up and play Christian basketball.

There’s been a lot of news dribbling out of the left lately about my good friend Clarence Thomas and his so-called ethics violations. First of all, let me say that Clarence is one of the best men I have ever worked side-by-side with. Or side-by-side-by-side if you consider his patriotic wife Ginny, which I do. They are the John and Yoko of the Supreme Court.

My colleague is being persecuted just because he happens to have a rich friend. Well, if that’s a crime, lock me up! I have lots of rich friends. People can’t help it if they are wealthy. Many of them are born that way. Should I judge them based on the size of their wallet? If I did that, all my friends would be poor and that’s no fun.

The liberal media has also had their panties in a bunch over Harlan Crow, Clarence’s billionaire buddy, being a history buff. I love history. If I fall asleep on the couch watching a History Channel documentary about the Third Reich, does that make me a Nazi lover? To be clear, that answer is nein. My hand was in my pants because that’s comfortable. There was nothing funny going on. It’s how I sleep.

Look, I’ve met Harlan. He’s a good guy. True American. I went with Clarence once to one of his weekend visits to Harlan’s Texas bunker. Yes, we flew down on Crow’s private jet, but you have to understand that’s just how billionaires are. It’s no different than if your aunt picked you up in her VW to take you to lunch. To us, it was nice to conveniently fly in comfort, but to Crow that was nothing but a little thing someone who likes you does. His private jet and luxury yacht are his versions of an aunt’s VW. We shouldn’t oppress him for being loaded. He’s just a regular guy. We had a fun weekend. We sat in his jacuzzi and drank PBR out of Hitler’s boot. We were just a couple of good old boys enjoying a beer naked and wet. If you hate that, you hate America. Simple as that.

Just because Harlan’s opinions often line up with Clarence’s judgements doesn’t mean he’s influencing the court. If just means Clarence knows how to pick like-minded rich friends. Like we all do. So, please stop these senseless attacks on us justices. We’re just trying to do our jobs while also trying to have a debt-free social life.

God Bless America!

Justice Brett “Coach K.” Kavanaugh

Harlan considers new curtains for his library.