America, You Look Pretty Tonight by Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy

Kevin McCarthy can’t believe some of the things America says in public. Frankly, it’s embarrassing.

by Joe Janes

Look at you, America. You look hot tonight. Did you do that for me? It better be just for me. That dress makes you look slimmer than you really are. What? It’s a compliment! Make me a drink and get my supper ready. I’ve been working all day to keep food on the table. I hope you appreciate it. This stuff is expensive. What do you mean one of our kids has a toothache? Boo-hoo. Unless he has money for the dentist, tell him to rub some dirt on it. That’s your job. Not mine. What the hell do you do all day?

Damn. You sure look pretty bending over that stove. You know what I could use? Some sugar. Come here, baby. Give Poppa some sugar commodities.

There are some things I want. If I don’t get them, things will just get worse around here and it will be your fault. I don’t want to hurt you but sometimes you do things, like not listen to me or do what I say, that make me have to teach you a lesson. Sit on my lap.

From now on, we’re going to go to church on Sundays and pray every day because that makes us better people and because I said so. You will be fruitful and multiply, just like it says in the Bibble. If we run out of room, we’ll just set them outside to fend for themselves. I’m also going to cut your allowance in half so I have more money and you stop giving away free rides to the lazy poor people in the neighborhood. That’s just common sense. You don’t spend money wisely, like me. I have a deficit to increase. Also, let’s buy all the kids guns. That will keep them safe.

I’m just doing what’s best for us. I can’t believe you don’t see that. Just for that, I’m going to stop paying our bills until you realize how much I love you and start doing things my way. You see, I have your back and you’re just too dumb to realize it. No, I didn’t just call you dumb. You’re way too sensitive. I’m trying to help you. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You’re the one making me do this. I love you.

“Put the torch down. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.” - Rep. Kevin McCarthy