Now I've Got To Write Something Stupid!

By Chris Churchill

Well now I’ve got to write something stupid. Because the last thing I wrote was really serious. That’s how I work. I used to do music performances where people would tell me afterwards that they didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Good. I like doing that to you.

For me, there’s no more fun way to cleanse the palate from the seriousness of the last article than by cleaning out some old bits from my “notes” on my phone.

Having said that, I give you a list of clever sayings that I made myself. Witticisms? Sure. Why not? Helpful metaphors or analogies? Maybe. More than anything, they remind me of stuff a religious prophet would say if he hit his head on the jawbone of an ass and couldn’t quite remember how to prophet. But I think they still work as bits of wisdom you can use in your everyday life.

So much thinking. This is the face of wisdom.

1.     Sometimes, when all else has failed you and you have to shit on the ground, remember, it’ll rain eventually. (Try to relate that to your life)

2.     Make sure you have a backup best friend, in case you murder the first one. (I’m sure we can all relate)

3.     Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Unless it’s just smoke.

4.     Sometimes, where there’s smoke, there’s a firefighter with a hose. So, if you’re thirsty, walk toward the smoke.

5.     God gives us all talents to use. He also gives us our very short tempers with which to destroy our lives. God is Weird. And Weirdness was with God and the Weirdness was God.

6.     God isn’t dead. God’s just Weird.

7.     You can’t afford to eat healthy when you’re starving. You can’t afford to be picky when you’re lonely. You can’t afford to breathe oxygen when you’re under water. You can’t afford to swim when you’re eating.

8.     Listen to the sound of one man arguing.

Listening and watching…

9.     Be like Koolaid. Because Koolaid tastes better than water. (Koolaid is not a sponsor of Literate Ape)

10.  Love is the strongest force in the universe. Well…THIS universe. I heard that in other universes, the strongest force is Tartar Control Crest. (Not a sponsor of Literate Ape)

11.  If a poor man requests your counsel, remind him that therapy is for rich people.

12.  Natural cures for snapped femurs don’t work very well.

13.  The humans who were alive before organized religion didn’t go to heaven or hell. They went to this really awesome karaoke bar on Clark street. It’s really busy there. I don’t go.

That’s probably enough stupid for today. Hope it helps you as you drag your sad skin sacks to the subway for another day of pretending anything matters!

Have a great day making other people rich!