How to End America’s Cold Civil War
You could feel the chill sprint down your spine and tear through your bones the moment the frontrunners became Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. The rift, the wildly apparent chasm between countrymen had already occurred. The end of the 2016 United States Presidential Primaries was the official beginning of America’s Cold Civil War.
Historical Ignorance and the Slow March to a Great (Fascist) America
We’ve seen all of this before. It begins with a grievance.
We’re marching along toward our inevitable fascist, totalitarian end. And we’re marching either because we’re lying to ourselves that it’s OK or we’re too stupid to know better. I’m betting it’s the latter. Because Americans aren’t stupid. Americans are mighty and supreme. Americans are pure and good. That is, until we’re not.
And perhaps we never were. Look at history. We were never that New Colossus.
This is not hyperbole. This is history.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of June 16, 2018
If you don’t know the difference between Fake News and an egregious journalistic error, you are too stupid to read the news. Instead, turn on HGTV, subscribe to The Pioneer Woman Magazine and keep your head up your ass.
To My Son, I’m Sorry You’re Reading This
Boy, that headline sounds like the first line in a suicide note. No, no, Harrison, my son, this is not a suicide note. It’s an apology letter. Or an explanation. Maybe a clarification. I’m not sure what your mother has told you, or what you’ve already heard or read, but I feel it is imperative that you have some background, context really, on what you may have already heard or read, or undoubtedly will.It's only right that a son knows who his father is — the kind of man his father is.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Father's Day Edition
Seeing your infant son play Slap the Bag with your wife’s breast is pretty damn funny.
Why Worry When You can Sail or do Whatever Makes You Happy
And I realize that not everyone is as fortunate or privileged as I am. Not everyone has a Boat Rich daddy. But everyone should find the thing that gives them the kind of calm joy sailing gives me. It doesn’t matter what it is.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of May 28, 2018
Samantha Bee calling Ivanka Trump a cunt is not funny. That’s because it’s not a joke. I never thought Samantha Bee was all that great at telling jokes anyhow. But it is totally reasonable to call Ivanka Trump a cunt. Bee shouldn’t have apologized. Saying sorry because Big Viacom said to do so is a real cunty thing to do.
Feeling Young and Magnificent Giving 21st Birthday Wisdom to a Bum
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of May 20, 2018
My wife told me that while changing our son’s diaper yesterday, he reached down, grabbed his little nut sack and yanked on it. “He’s your son,” she said to me. “He’s already sitting in gum.” If you understand what she’s talking about then you know how proud my son has made me.
I Shot My Dog in the Eye and All He did was Love Me More
“I broke him. I broke Eddie. His eye is loose in his head. He’ll never be able to take a cute photo again. He’s a freak! He’s broken! He’s probably blind. This is why… Do you see? This is why I can’t be a father. I’m going to break my kids and I… I can’t handle that. I can’t handle this. OH GOD! Eddie! I’m so sorry! Katie! I’m so sorry! I’m SO SORRY!”
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Advice to My Brother and His Fiancé on their Wedding Day Edition
• Go to bed angry. It’s always better to finish the fight in the morning with a clear head.
I Dated a Woman for Her Legs and Stayed with Her for Her Cat
Mogley was just like his mother, the moment I stopped trying to get the cat to love me, he began to love me.
The Cost of Winning
Winning feels good. And it’s humbling. And being humbled feels good, too. Because winning with humility begets confidence. And confidence begets success. As an award-winning sports writer, and former editor in chief of a health magazine, I can now say with absolute confidence that the movie Rookie of the Year is overflowing with wildly impossibilities.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of May 6, 2017
• Saw a street cleaning vehicle dumping its contents out into a dumpster this week. I’ve never seen that before. I had always thought that whatever filth the street cleaning vehicles sucked up got turned into Mayor Ron Emanuel’s moral code.
Dove Needs to Clean Up Its Act if it Hopes to Survive the Identity War
The idiom, “You can’t please everyone all the time” no longer holds water. Today, when it comes to product marketing, if you don’t please everyone all the time, you’re going to upset enough people so much that their digital pitchforks and torches can destroy your brand in an afternoon.
What’s the solution? The death of targeted marketing, maybe. If I were the director of copy, I’d suggest the following: “You know that bath time is precious.” Don’t specifically identify anyone other than the buyer, whomever and whatever that may be. It’s just as accurate.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of April 29, 2018
• Ah, yes, May 4th. The day Star Wars fans make fun of people with lisps.
Puppy vs. Baby and the Myth of Unconditional Love
Someone somewhere probably said something like, “If you want to know unconditional love, get a puppy and have a baby.” That someone was an idiot.
The Inappropriate Hackery of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner
The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is more pathetic a work event than any kind of team-building game night or scavenger hunt even the most creative HR Director can think of. If they don’t want the roast, they shouldn’t hire a comedian to headline. Hire Jared Kushner instead. He won’t say anything mean. He won’t say anything at all. Unless there are Russians in the room. But that won’t offend anyone.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of April 22, 2018
• Never pity a fat man. Empathize with an obese one.
Hotboxing My Dad: A Weed Trip and the Future Failure of Illinois
I imagine it’s hard to find work when you look like you sleep on a bong-water bed. Maybe not. Maybe this guy could straighten up and look more straightedge and acceptable for any other job. But why bother? In Denver, he could put his vast and exceptional knowledge of cannabis to great use. And he could do it without all the judgement and assholery that comes from a culture which things looking like a pothead is a bad thing. This guy, this stoner behind the counter, was more helpful than any putz at any store you could visit in the Clybourn Corridor.
Solitude is a sure way to avoid pain. I’ve waded in those waters before. Specifically with romance. But life is and must be a balance. Be flexible. Go with resistance. Be satisfied with life even it has you feeling the way you don’t want to feel. Protect yourself, push yourself. Balance. Survive. Find little ways to thrive in big ways.