American Shithole #33 — Thank You, America

by Eric Wilson

It’s Wednesday morning, November 7th, and for the first time in two years I slept like a fat bear in a food-coma.

I was exhausted; many of us were exhausted. Waking up this morning — it’s a different story. Today, I believe in America.  Today, my energy reserves for combating Conservatism, Nazism, Authoritarianism, and Greed have kicked into nitro-mode. Today I am high on GOP-hating ROCKET FUEL, with a love for my country so fucking hard, it puts an 18-year-old’s morning wood to shame.

The crick in my neck has all but healed, there is a spring in my step, and the rash I’ve had on my ass for two years has mysteriously vanished. Let’s take a moment and look at what we’ve accomplished, shall we?

“Holy fucking shit, thank the merciful stars.”

First off, thanks for voting. Record-shattering participation for a midterm election has led to nearly half (49%) of eligible voters — a staggering 113 million Americans — coming out to the polls. For the 2014 midterms those numbers were only slightly above one-third (36%).

A special thanks to suburban women of all ages, across the nation. This is all you. I am in love with you right now. Can I say that? I love everything about you. What are you glorious suburban ladies into? Mean Girls? I’m into that! Just point me in the right direction, I am forever your support team — I just want to be your “yes” man.

p.s. you’re just the best.

Seriously ladies, America, perhaps democracy itself is in your debt. Thank you. Have you taken a closer look at some of the new faces in congress you helped elect?

I’m thankful I didn’t wake up Tuesday morning to the miserable tune of more ideologically-driven terrorist attacks on innocent American civilians — whether they be worshipping somewhere non-Jesus-y, attending school for book-learnin’, shopping while black; or otherwise gathering as good people do — especially at the polls, where Americans in record midterm numbers expressed their displeasure with this administration.

So, thank you for sleeping in, looney-toons fringe. I was pleasantly surprised.

I am also ever so thankful that efforts by outsiders to influence the elections appear to have been rendered largely ineffective — I wish I could say the same for influences from within.

Speaking of which, wow, Georgia. Gross. That’s Boss Tweed levels of corruption. Seriously, hose yourself off, Georgia, you’ve gone and shit your pantaloons; and get the toilet paper off your shoe, you’re a national embarrassment.

Hey Florida, not every decision in life is a fucking coin toss.

So yeah, despite rampant, Republican domestic malfeasance, I am thankful that outside efforts to affect this election cycle appear to be less significant than they were in 2016.

I am thankful for my President babbling incoherently in-between childish outbursts in front of the press corps, America, and the entire world this morning. That was fun! Weeeee! He’d already fired Jeff Sessions — I think mostly so that none of us could take even five minutes to enjoy the moment, or catch our collective breath.

I am thankful for Beto O’Roarke — without him, none of the House seats in Texas would have flipped blue. I’m fairly certain we have not seen the last of this rising star.

I am thankful for the vacating of representatives Paul Ryan, Bob Goodlatte, Jeb Hensarling, Rodney Frelinghuysen, Trey Gowdy, Darrell Issa, Joe Barton, Lamar Smith, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Charlie Dent, Dave Reichert, Pat Tiberi, Frank LoBiondo, Lynn Jenkins, Sam Johnson, John Duncan Jr., Ted Poe, Dave Trott, Ryan Costello, Trent Franks, Blake Farenthold, Bill Shuster, Gregg Harper, Ed Royce, Patrick Meehan, Tom Rooney, Dennis Ross, Tom Garrett as well as Senators Bob Corker, Orrin Hatch, and Thad Cochran — all chose to retire rather than face humiliating losses at the hands of a very pissed-off suburban America, that’s clearly been doing push-ups for months before the election.

That is what an educated body politic flexing national political muscle looks like.

We are also saying goodbye to these 21 Republicans that lost House reelection bids outright on Tuesday:

Mike Coffman (CO-62), Carlos Curbelo (FL-26), Peter Roskam (IL-6), Randy Hultgren (IL-14), Rod Blum (IA-1), David Young (IA-3), Kevin Yoder (KS-03), Mike Bishop (MI-08), Jason Lewis (MN-2), Erik Paulsen (MN-3), Leonard Lance (NJ-7), Dan Donovan (NY-11), John Faso (NY-19), Claudia Tenney (NY-22), Steve Russell (OK-5), Keith Rothfus (PA-17), John Culberson (TX-7), Pete Sessions (TX-32), Scott Taylor (VA-2), Dave Brat (VA-7), Barbara Comstock (VA-10).

Goodbye, conservative moderates, you ball-less fence-straddlers! Enjoy your unflattering footnote in history.

A special good-riddance to Putin knob-polisher and Urban Dictionary Creeper model, Dana Rohrabacher, who lost his congressional seat as well. Suck on that Pirozhki, Dana!

All in all, the voices of sanity prevailed in enough races for the Democrats to comfortably take control of the House of Representatives, and that had to happen. That was win or die, for democracy.

You know who else is gone? Scott fucking WALKER. The Walker Dead. I loathe him almost as much as Paul Ryan, and I haven’t lived in Wisconsin since the 7th grade. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, you zombie prick.

I am thankful that victory was possible at all; considering the gerrymandered districts in every state. Those House seats Democrats picked up in Pennsylvania were the direct result of the court ruling against GOP gerrymandering.

I am thankful for the 7 gubernatorial races flipped blue. Important states like Wisconsin and Michigan joining Pennsylvania — they too will have Democratic representation heading into 2020. This is huge. It’s huge for every state where redistricting is on the docket.

Holy cow am I thankful that Nevada embraced the blue wave, and that my former home, New Mexico, and that my former, former home, Illinois followed suit.

A special thanks to the folks in Kansas who clearly were tired of suffering through the lie of trickle-down economics. How many times must it fail? Winning the governorship there was more than a repudiation of the President, this was a rebuke of the conservative economic lie as a whole.

And an extra-special thank you to Oklahoma, where I also lived for a time. Blue waters in a red, red state. Impressive, indeed. I blow you a lot of shit, Oklahoma — mostly because my childhood was miserable there — credit where credit is due; well done.

There is so much I am missing. An openly gay governor of Colorado! Two Muslim women, and two Native American women have won, and will be representing their states.

There is so much to be thankful for, there should be a holiday this month to celebrate!

What I am most thankful for today, dear reader, is that we as Americans are able to say to the GOP, to Russia and other hostile foreign agents, to the nefarious villains of the billionaire class, and to the Trump administration:

Your efforts to destroy our democracy have failed.

America will not fall to tyranny. Make no mistake, despite herculean efforts by some of the worst people in the world — sanity prevailed. The descent into Authoritarian Fascism is no longer in free-fall. We will not go gentle into that good night.

From the bottom of my broken, (now) mending heart, THANK YOU, AMERICA.