American Shithole #15 — Comedians Unite! Except You, Dennis
Who are the adults again? Not me, as this column joyfully illustrates. Good day to you, American Shithole readers!
This week’s embarrassing queue of hack journalists getting everything wrong about Michelle Wolf’s brilliant, blistering performance at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is on par with the media’s lack of overall self-awareness, and reticence to accept accountability for the success of the Trump campaign.
That daily, non-stop barrage of coverage, as much as Russians, billionaires, and republicans, led us to this tediously infantile behavior we have been subjected to for seventeen months — and the only adults I see lately doing fuck-all about it, are the kids making mincemeat out of various mouthpieces for the NRA.
Everyone in politics and journalism at this point that isn’t screaming “LIARS!” every single day at the top of their lungs is suspect. Sarah Huckabee Sanders literally lies all day long, and the panderers in the White House press corps politely ask her questions each week, as if the lies are going to somehow suddenly cease — and then — while drawing the same breath, these same journalists misrepresent the words and intent of a comedian that brought truth to power?
Michelle Wolf dropped truth down on that house of cowards and charlatans like a motherfucking ANVIL.
All while Trump disparaged the “tough to watch” Paralympics, describing the event from his safe-space bully pulpit in Michigan — too cowardly to show his face at the WHCD again this year — as limited crowds again chanted “lock her up” for an old grandma he ran against two years ago, and “Nobel, Nobel” because he somehow single-handedly united Korea.
Late Sunday evening, White House Correspondents’ Association President Margaret Talev issued a statement apologizing for comedian Michelle Wolf’s performance.
Oh, fuck you, Margaret. You fucking coward!
Media, you whore! Journalists covering this president are such fucking hypocritical jackasses. The stink of this man — the stink you still joyfully roll around in like pigs in shit — in the end, you do understand he will be your undoing? He is everyone’s undoing that gets too close to him. Faith in the institution of journalism has already been gutted, and you clueless, tone-deaf, humorless boors shat upon the 1st amendment at your own event, again?
Shame. Where’s the Game of Thrones meme when I need it? SHAME!
Also, Michelle Wolf didn’t attack anyone’s looks. The way some of the prominent journalists in our country fell all over themselves to defend Sarah fucking Huckabee Sanders’ honor, just rankles my cankles.
Michelle did her fucking job. She kicked all the chairs out from underneath you, you sleepy-eyed, coddled, shitgibbon enablers — and apparently you couldn’t tell ruthless political commentary from a fugly joke, if your journalistic integrity depended on it.
Which, it did.
Well, in the interest of truth and social responsibility, I would like to provide a few examples of what jokes attacking Sarah Sanders’ appearance could look like, if you encounter them out in the wild — this is not an effort to disparage, only to educate — where hopefully American journalists will be better equipped to tell the difference between cutting-edge political satire, and a fat joke.
Remember, these are just examples of what insensitive jokes might look like; they are not truly meant as disparaging remarks on Sanders’ physical appearance.
1. Is that Sarah Huckabee Sanders, or did a bridge troll fuck Estée Lauder?
2. What do Sarah Huckabee Sanders and circus elephants have in common? Both look like they’ve just come from trampling their makeup artists to death.
3. Are you sure that’s Sarah Huckabee Sanders? I thought that was a Sumo wrestler exploring western cosplay.
There you go, faux journalists, now you know the difference!
Thankfully, there were many in the media with their integrity still intact that rushed to Wolf’s defense, along with every comedian in the country — save Dennis Miller.
Oh, Dennis.
Dennis, Dennis, Dennis. Get some salve for that rash of Twitter burn you are experiencing. How could you not expect an avalanche of shit for saying you needed three days to write some mean jokes about Michelle? It thrills me so, that you have been irrelevant for so long, two generations of Americans have absolutely no idea who you are. Now that is fucking funny.
Like countless politicians to date, many journalists and media entities enjoying the ratings boom over the last two years, will find that when this is over — when the adults have come to their senses, and the unruly baby boomers have all been put out to pasture — that their careers are forever tarnished, if not outright ruined by their association with this administration.
But right, it’s the funny, red-headed, spitfire comedienne that needs to apologize…
I believe most of us understand now, that this isn’t a news cycle, this is a news cyclone. Every week I take a snapshot of one, possibly two events, or one person, and the rest is just ripped into the sky, never to be heard from again.
It makes the choice of topic plentiful, I suppose, but it’s also a bit like being a bear in the middle of a salmon run.
Although this week the moon could have been on fire and I still would have written about Michelle. Is that a comedian under attack? Here, let me lower the bar.
In other breaking news, it seems the Trump lawyers themselves leaked the 49 questions the Mueller team provided — in a relatively transparent effort to try this “case” in the court of public opinion.
What you don’t know, is that those 49 questions used to be 54.
That’s right; our crack team of investigative journalists here at American Shithole uncovered five additional Mueller team questions for Trump — deemed too insensitive — that ultimately didn’t make the cut. At great legal risk to ourselves, we present them for you here:
1. Mr. President, are there some paintings you worked on as a frustrated young artist we could compliment, retroactively?
2. Treasonous-president-says-what? Gotcha!
3. Mr. President, before you answer any further questions, have you considered how terrible you’re going to look in orange?
4. Mr. President, when Vladimir Putin first informed you that he had the pee-pee tape, did you…
a. Piss yourself.
b. Shit and piss yourself.
c. Call Cohen, your idiot lawyer, then shit and piss yourself.
d. Immediately sell out your own country.
5. When you immediately sold out your own country, did you even consider for even a fraction of a fucking second, you selfish, stupid, arrogant asshole, the suffering you would cause for every American and the damage you would do to the institutions of justice and the fabric of our democracy?
I’d like an answer to that last one — preferably via tweet from atop his stainless steel shitter in prison.
Some days I wake up and I don’t believe this is still happening. This administration is cause for enough embarrassment, and legitimate fear, that I don’t know if we will ever be able to hold our heads up again — at least in my lifetime.
I’m so ashamed to be an American — but there is a crest and swell on the horizon. I can see the wave gathering energy, still far out at sea; unstoppable forces of nature will come crashing down on our shores, come November.
B.S. Report
The unstoppable wave of the future.
Congratulations are in order to Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School students, Cameron Kasky and Samantha Fuentes, as well as Zion Kelly, of Washington, who will be honored by PEN, a literary and human rights organization. On May 22, in New York City, the three students will be presented the PEN/Toni and James C. Goodale Freedom of Expression Courage Award. Congratulations!
Stay strong, Dad.