The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – The Religious Liberty Task Force

Jeff Sessions should not wear ball caps. He looks like a terminally ill child being surprised by the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

by Joe Janes

The First Meeting of the

Religious Liberty Task Force

9:00am, August 1, 2018, The Attorney General's Office, Washington, D.C.

In attendance: Attorney General Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions,Associate Attorney General Jesse Panuccio and Assistant Attorney General for the Office of Legal Policy Beth Williams

Sessions: Merry Christmas, everyone.

Panuccio: Merry Christmas.

Williams: Merry Christmas, Sir. 

Sessions: I always like to start my meetings with a quote from the King James Bible, if I may.  “For it is easier for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God.”

Panuccio: Amen.

Williams: Is that the full…? Isn’t there a camel involved? Some sewing?

Panuccio: Beth needs to brush up on her Bible lessons. Good thing we’re meeting. 

Sessions: Welcome to the first meeting of the Religious Liberty Task Force.

Panuccio: It's like Space Force, but with God. 

Sessions: We don't need rockets to get to this heaven. Just gumption and the Lord's steady hand on the wheel. We're here because a dangerous movement, undetected by many, is now challenging and eroding our great tradition of religious freedom, which must be confronted and defeated.

Panuccio: No one should ever be persecuted for refusing to make gay cake. 

Sessions: No nuns should ever be forced to pay for contraception when they rightly believe God wants us to be fruitful and multiply, except for the nuns. And by multiply, I mean multiply from within, of course. Not by adding people to our country. No anchor babies! God only wants christians. 

Panuccio: Pure American christians. 

Sessions: Just as our forefathers intended.

Williams: Is it? 

Sessions: “In God We Trust”, Beth.

Pannucio: It’s in the Bible, the constitution, the pledge of allegiance, and all over our money.

Sessions: Under the Religious Liberty Task Force, everyone will be free to express and practice their faith at home, at work, and in their communities. No more will they be held down by other inferior religious blasphemers, like atheists. 

Williams: Atheists don’t believe in God.

Sessions: And yet they are clearly in cahoots with Satan.

Pannucio: Maybe some mandatory military service will straighten out the atheists. You know what they say. There are no atheist’s in a fox’s hole. 

Sessions: That or prison. We’ll get them on their knees one way or another. How has the public response been to the Religious Liberty Task Force?

Williams: We’ve had many calls, Mr. Sessions. The phone has been ringing off the hook.

Sessions: This is good news. I knew we would be rewarded for becoming shepherds to the Lord's flock. What do we have?

Williams: There’s been some very brutal Nazi/White Supremist graffiti at a synagogue in Indiana. 

Panuccio: Sounds like they just need a can of paint.

Sessions: Send them a can of paint. Take it out of petty cash. Next.

Williams: A Muslim man says his employer won’t let him pray at work. His employer says it’s disruptive and scares customers.

Panuccio: Sounds like it’s already handled.

Sessions: Got anything more Christian-y?

Williams: A gay couple is suing a Chick-fil-A because the clerk wouldn’t sell them chicken sandwiches after seeing them holding hands in line. 

Sessions: That clerk is a hero!

Panuccio: We'll give that clerk all the legal support they need. 

Sessions: How dare they flaunt their disregard for God’s plan in the Lord’s place that is Chick-fil-A. 

Williams: I’ll have one of our lawyers look into it.

Sessions: One other thing on the agenda comes from our leader-chosen-by God, President Trump. I told him we would be using the divine wisdom of the Ten Commandments to guide our actions.

Panuccio: And he was on board.

Sessions: However, he thinks we can streamline them to just one commandment, “Thou Shalt Not Kill…directly.”

Williams: He added “directly”?

Panuccio: Who’s to say it wasn’t that way on the original tablet? I wasn’t there, were you?

Williams: Nothing about adultery, coveting, or honoring one’s mother or father?

Sessions: He felt those would be difficult to enforce, and everybody ignores them anyway. He also wants to add two commandments. "STOP THE RIGGED WITCH HUNT" and "NO COLLUSION."

Panuccio: I can hear the Lord's voice in the "all caps."

Williams: I don't think those count as commandments.

Sessions: We’ll save a lot of money only having three commandments. It’s a shrewd frugal business move. Oh, one more thing we do need to do before we wrap has to do with you, Beth.

Williams: I go to church. On important Sundays. I swear. 

Sessions: In order to work with us men, we need to confirm your virginity.

Williams: I’m 39. And married.

Panuccio: Sorry. It’s the law, now. 

Sessions: Don’t worry. I’ll wear gloves and keep my eyes closed. 

Williams: Merry Fucking Christmas.

Trump's military parade will now include the Religious Liberty Task Force.