The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | How to Win a Presidential Election
The Democrats — There’s got to be someone you like, right?
Democratic National Headquarters
Washington, DC
June 19, 2019 8:45am
attendance: Tom Perez, Chair and whatever staff is available, mostly interns
Tom – Thanks for coming everyone. We have to win this next presidential election. Our approach so far has been to allow anyone who wants to run for president as a democrat to do so. We really do need to narrow down the field, but that’s not our job. It’s America’s job. I have created a PSA that will ask Americans point blank, who do they want for president? It will run before and after every presidential debate. It goes like this…
We get a spokesperson, like George Clooney, somebody everybody likes, and he looks straight at the camera and says…
America, in 2016 you overwhelmingly voted for Hilary Clinton for president. She got three million more votes than Donald Trump. We were thwarted by the electoral college and by not having more people vote in every state that counted. Many people who didn’t vote looked at Trump and Clinton and did not see a difference. This is a prime example of why we need better healthcare so people can have their eyesight and hearing checked. We also need a better education system so people graduate high school with critical thinking skills that can distinguish between a misogynistic racist homophobe and a democrat.
Just tell us what you want, and we will put all our resource behind that candidate.
You want old white guys? We’ve got old white guys. They look a lot like the GOP old white guys and often vote like them, but they’re our old white guys and our going to try very hard to do a few good things before they die.
You want women, boy, do we have women! They are educated, articulate, and pretty! Va-Va-Vavoom! Grab ‘em by the policy!
You like the gays? We’ve got one of them, too! Religion? We’ve got Jews and Christians! It’s a regular Roman Colosseum and you are the lions that we hope are hungry and will pick at least one to savor in your majestic jaws.
You like voting for rich people, check! You like smart? We’re as brainy as hell. You want young people with a lot of spunk or old people who are more woke after a nap? We’ve got both! We have them all! Whatever flavor of candidate you like best, America, we have it in stock. Just tell us what you want. You like a little color with your candidate, we’ve got black, we’ve got yellow, we’ve got every shade of white. You like good old fashioned American last names, we have a few of those – Bennet, Booker, Bullock, Delaney, Harris, O’Rourke, Ryan, Sanders, Warren, and Williamson. Like names that you have trouble pronouncing, we have plenty of those, I hope I get these right – Buttigieg…well, really, it’s just that one. We even have names that sound like characters from a Marx Brothers movie, like Hickenlooper.
You like billionaire businessmen with no experience in politics? Sorry, we don’t have any of those, but I do promise that everyone running has more money than you.
Then George looks gives the camera a super cool wink and tells America to vote on Twitter, now, so they can vote for who they want in a voting booth in 2020.
What do you think?
Youthful Intern – Sounds desperate.
Tom – That’s our demographic!
Editor’s Note: I would rather listen to George Clooney read an antique phone book than read the list of Democrats running for president.