The Minutes of Our Last Meeting | Thank Trump!
The greatest president in history is a four-way tie, according to Trump.
The White-Like-A-Snowflake House
The Oval Office
Wednesday, April 15, 2020 11:30am
Attendance: Donald J. Trump, Kellyanne Conway,
and Mark Meadows
Trump – Oh-kay-ee. So, let’s get started. The stimulus checks are going out.
Meadows – As soon as they put your name on them.
Trump – Why shouldn’t they? I’m the president. I’m the one in charge. People will get money and my autograph. That makes it worth more like $5,000. If the people were smart, they won’t cash the check. They’ll put in on e-Bay and make even more money. I should mention that at today’s press briefing.
Conway – People may have to wait longer, but the checks will be worth more.
Trump – A lot more. I’m probably underestimating it. Could be worth tens of thousands of dollars more. The press won’t print that, though. Very generous of me.
Conway – I wish there was more we can do to make sure people know that you are the one to thank for your decisive leadership.
Meadows – People need to know that without you, more people would be dead or dying. Right now, it’s at 26,000. It could have been 100s of thousands.
Trump – Exactly. 26,000 viewers. That’s nothing. I get more people at my rallies. Millions of people tune in to my press briefings. The highest rated press briefings ever in history. Nobody has seen ratings like these. Bigger than The Bachelor. If 26,000 people stopped watching The Bachelor, no one is going to care. So, my name of the checks. What else can we do?
Conway – Well, we still have 10,000 deliberators to distribute.
Trump – From OUR stockpile.
Conway – Correct. And thousands more that will be coming in from manufacturers. I think your name can be on those, too.
Trump – Trump Defoliators. I like it.
Meadows – Someone hooked up to one will see your name on their Trump Deliberator as they struggle to breathe. No one be thanking God if they survive. They’ll be thanking Donald Trump.
Trump – These are fantastic ideas I’m having. What else can we do? Something more permanent.
Conway – Clearly, Mr. President, you should give yourself the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Trump – Of course, I should. I deserve it even more than Rush. I can do it during the press briefing. “Ladies and Gentlemen, with us today is a great American who fights harder than anyone I know. The biggest winner you will ever meet, always winning. This guy…Everybody says, how can he win so much? No one holds the flag more dearer or more inappropriately than Donald J. Trump.” Applause, applause, applause. Big ratings.
Meadows – That’s a great idea, Sir. What about something really long term that no one will forget about?
Conway – Add your face on Mount Rushmore.
Trump – I had the Army Corps of Engineers look into that. They said because of the way the mountain is structured, adding a face would be problematic.
Meadows – That’s too bad.
Trump – But we could replace one of the existing faces. Put my face over top one of the four. Lincoln or one of the other three. Whoever they are.
Conway – Bye-bye, Lincoln. He was opposed to state’s’ rights.
Trump – I love state’s rights. I gave them all their rights to handle the coronavirus germ any way they chose. I love that idea. They said it would also make my head ten times bigger than the other presidents.
Meadows – A befitting tribute to someone as humble as you, Sir.
Trump – Besides, Lincoln has that memorial down the street showing him sitting around.
Conway – You should have a monument in DC, too.
Meadows – We could tear down the Washington monument. Or rename it.
Trump – I have a better idea. Let’s build another one right next to it. Bigger and taller. The tallest monument in DC. And instead of it being just some sharp, pointy penis made out of wood, make it a statue.
Meadows – That would make it the tallest stature in the world.
Conway – As it should be.
Trump – And make it so tall, that I’m using the Washington Monument for a golf tee.
Meadows – A fitting tribute, Sir, to the man who presidents harder than anyone on the planet.
Trump – Okay, Trump name of stimulus checks, Trump Degenerators, Mount Rushmore, and Trump Monument. This will tell people who they need to be grateful for when it comes to handling a pandemic like no one else has handled one.
Conway – Maybe we can get another stature of you to replace the Statue of Liberty.
Trump – Actually, I like Lady Liberty being our hostess. The thing I don’t like is what she’s wearing. This is America. She should be hot. We should replace that ugly gown of hers with a bikini. Get rid of that book and give her some flowers. She also doesn’t need a torch. It’s 2020. We have electric lights. Give her a smart phone and have her taking a selfie.
The new Stature of Liberty will be modeled after Melania and will tell foreigners to fuck off.