I’m happy staying at home alone but …
I miss walking over to a neighborhood bar and the bartender recognizes me because I am a regular and have been there lots of times before and they’re happy to see me and we chat a little and I get a drink because sometimes it’s fun to get a drink and talk and laugh with people and see a show and sometimes I get to have a fascinating conversation with a stranger but then after that they’re not a stranger anymore because we’ve connected somehow and then we’re friends on Facebook and we can like each other’s posts and now my world is just a little bit bigger and more colorful and exciting and I learn new things and hear about other people’s perspectives and that’s a good thing because that’s information to have to inform my worldview that I’m always working on I mean all the time because I’m always thinking and collecting information and adapting my theories to accommodate new data and I like that I live in a city and meet lots of different people people from other countries old and young and middle aged people and people who speak different languages and have different racial and cultural backgrounds and different educations and transgender people and gay and lesbian and bisexual people and kinky people and maybe it sounds like I’m collecting people and maybe I am people are assets in their own way I really think diversity true diversity not mere tokenism is a good thing and I’m not afraid of people who are different from me unless they think I shouldn’t exist and then what really blows my mind is when people are interested in me and what I think and then I feel like maybe I’m contributing something maybe I’m not just a useless blob of flesh taking up space and using up resources and life will go on after this stay-at-home because of the pandemic interlude but I’m thinking it won’t be the same when the bars open up again because how are we going to have shows and talk to strangers when everybody is wearing masks over their faces and trying not to touch anything and worried about getting sick because it really doesn’t sound fun to get sick it sounds really awful like people have trouble breathing and they’re tired and they’re just miserable and I don’t want to get sick because I think I’ll die because that would just be so like me to get sick and die but I’m not quite ready to die because I don’t want to leave a mess for my sister I have books to publish and all sorts of papers to scan and organize I want to preserve some of the things I wrote in high school before I used a computer and it’s all very fascinating but it would be better if I had it organized before I died because otherwise my sister will have to deal with it and it will be overwhelming and then also I think she might be sad if I died because I would be really super sad if my sister died I don’t think I could handle it I don’t know what I would do but then her husband and her kids would be sad too people would be sad I don’t like this stupid virus and I don’t like stupid politicians who didn’t adequately prepare for a pandemic though maybe they did the best they could do but I really don’t think their best is very good but it’s hard to plan for the unthinkable and I’m stocked up on toilet paper and Clorox wipes right now but I was worried for a minute there when people were saying the store shelves were empty and I couldn’t even order some things for delivery and I’m worried about the people who have to work and do the deliveries I really am but I really don’t think I should go out because just knowing me even though I think I’m being super careful I might not be careful enough and then maybe I get it from someone’s dog jumping on me because other people’s dogs are always jumping on me and I really don’t like it but if a dog jumps on me and that’s how I get the virus it wouldn’t be totally my fault except that I was the one who left home in the first place knowing that there are all these big jumping dogs and joggers and old people and sick people out and about and then just knowing me I would give it to someone without meaning to or realizing it and anyhow I don’t think things are going back to the way they were before and I really am having fun at home reading and working on projects but I’m also kinda sad about not being able to walk over to the bar and say hi and chat and maybe read some poems or do a drag show or karaoke even though I’m really awful at karaoke I can’t sing at all but it’s more about the attitude and also sharing the love of music with the other folks in the bar and some of them are my friends and some are strangers and maybe some of the strangers would like to my friends and maybe I would like for them to be my friends but I don’t think going to bars is going to be the same anymore are we going to share a microphone for open mic or karaoke I don’t think so and forget about making out all sexy and sloppy with tongues and everything at the bar with a stranger which is one of my favorite fun things to do that is if they’re cute and some guys I meet are really cute and can talk about Foucault and Spinoza and I want to collect them all and keep them in my freezer like Popsicle ice pops wait no that might sound weird if you don’t know me anyhow maybe I’m not going to meet new people anymore and just have only the people I know now and I like the people I know now but not everyone can talk about Foucault and Spinoza and sometimes I wish I had friends who read the same kinds of books I do because then we would have a basis for conversation see I like people who are different from me but I also would like to meet someone who was really similar to me because then maybe we could understand each other but really I don’t think there are any other people like me which is ok in the sense that I guess it makes me more necessary because I’m the only one who can do the job of being someone like me but really that’s an awful lot of responsibility when you think about it and maybe I should be super careful right now and not get sick and die but of course everyone including me is going to die the trick is to die at the right time and I want to choose when I go I want to have all my affairs in order and have everything nice and tidy and organized so it won’t be too much of a mess for someone to clean up but we all have to go sometime and a lot of the time we don’t get to choose how or when which means leaving a mess and speaking of messes I’m not going to say his name but there is someone who is making a lot of decisions and saying a lot of things that aren’t true and affect the entire country and in some ways the entire world and the entire planet and I just wish he wouldn’t make so many messes because someone is going to have to clean that up and it’s going to be a huge overwhelming job and I get tired just thinking about it and I was worried this person was going to make a bunch of messes because he was saying things that didn’t make any sense and I thought to myself is this performance art because he can’t possibly believe what he’s saying but I guess some people like him I guess he tells them what they want to hear but maybe what they want to hear isn’t the truth and see that’s how big messes get created when people don’t tell the truth and don’t think things through and don’t think about the mess they’re leaving for the next folks