Happy Hanukkah from Mel Gibson!

Here I am directing the King of the Jews, Jim Caviezel.

by Joe Janes

Hello, the Jews,

Your friend, Mel Gibson, here, wishing you a joyful Hanukkah. Many people think I don’t like the Jews. This could not be further from the truth. My agent, who I consider to be my friend and an employee, is probably Jewish. I say “probably” because I learned not to assume or ask people anymore. He’s got a “berg” in his last name, says “oy vey” a lot, and is an agent in Hollywood. He’s probably Jewish and I still love and respect the hell out of the guy.  

I have been fortunate in this age of cancelling good people to still be able to work as an actor and a director. Not as much as I would like, but it gets better every day, mostly to all the fine Jews who work on my films, even on that movie where I played Santa. 

As a way to continue to say thank you to all the Jews, I am moving forward with writing, directing, and starring in Lethal Weapon 5: Look! Jews! Joe Pesci retired and is being replaced by a character named Crazy Marvin played by John Travolta. I picked John because he’s a great actor and, like me, loves the Jews. Plus, nobody does Jew like Travolta.  

Here’s the story: Murtaugh (played again by Danny Glover who really is too old for this shit) gets killed in the opening sequence by Nazis. His dying wish is for me to raise his grandson according to his Jewish faith. Oh, yeah, I know, some retconning there, but Murtaugh is Jewish. His wife was a gentile which is why we always saw them celebrating Christmas. Murtaugh’s whole family was killed by Nazis, so that’s why Riggs has to take on the job. But the vengeful Nazis aren’t done, so Riggs has to protect Little Ira while teaching him about Jewish traditions, like Hanukkah, and killing bad guys. It all comes to a head in a big bullet ballet at Little Ira’s Bar Mitzvah. Ira’s catchphrase? You guessed it! “I’m now old enough for this shit.”

Look. I’m not racist. I’m not anti-semite. The blond haired, blue-eyed Jodie Foster doesn’t think I am and that should be good enough for anyone. What happened was a long time ago. All because of horrible derogatory things I said while inebriated. I have apologized and still apologize for the regrettable things I have drunkenly shouted into cell phones and at police officers. Lesson learned about the evils of alcohol! I no longer drink in public and only tip back alone in my mansion and shout at the walls.  

Happy Hanukkah to all and to all a good night!

Mel

Concept art for the movie poster. I’m not married to it. If I were, I would have yelled at it already.