A Christmas Classic: The Day I Almost Died
The day I almost died…
The year was 2008 or something like that. We decided we wanted to be taken more seriously as performers. Our solution to this was to emulate the icon that was the ‘80s business master. We would wear suits every day and do lots of cocaine.
This worked surprisingly well… for a while.
Sometime, during the second week of the term, we’re riding high after crushing a bunch of callbacks. Our intensity was unmatched. This particular afternoon we were finishing some shotguns of blow in the car right before our children’s theatre class. This was standard fare at this point. Today, however, there would be a difference. Unbeknownst to us, our class had been moved several blocks away.
This was unfortunate news for several reasons. First, we had cut it extremely close to class time and tardiness didn’t fit our ‘80s tycoon idiom. Secondly, it was about 108 degrees and we were wearing suits.
Despite all this, we decided that we might make it if we ran. So run we did. Two men in suits, running full speed down a crowded downtown area. It was hot. We were hot. But we made it.
We were a mere few minutes late when we loudly tumbled into the new Children’s Theatre classroom. We were 7seven shades of red and covered in sweet. I immediately fell to the floor and loosened my tie. To say I was breathing heavy would be an understatement. The thirteen women who had been more punctual stared at us.
At first, I assumed it was because we looked good in the suits. It wasn’t until the professor asked me, “Hey, do you think you’re gonna make it?” that I realized my heart was beating out of my chest. I sat up in what was now a cold sweat and said “No.”
My accomplice, thank god, had the presence of mind to blame it on the heat. But the real ones knew. As we carried each other out of the room to get some life-saving water, we just barely heard the professor say…
“So, which one of those boys is gonna be Santa Claus?”