Trump’s Defense Lawyers Strategies

Trump attorney Bruce Castor argues that he has time to fill and is good at “riffing”.

by Joe Janes

After yesterday’s lackluster performance at Trump’s Impeachment Trial, his lawyers are prepping to defend the former president.

Here are some of their ideas.

-       Pointing out a box of matches and a can of gasoline to a pyromaniac standing in front of an abandoned warehouse is just being thoughtful.

-       Rioters were just COVID Crazy from having to wear masks and stay at home.

-       Trump’s message was one of peace and love. He is not responsible for misinterpretations.

-       Yes, Trump invited them to D.C. If you invite someone to your house and they shit on the floor, who’s really at fault here? We think it’s the poop.

-       Encouraging violence and enjoying violence are two very different things. 

-       Other countries do it. 

-       It was an Act of God. A very angry God who chose Trump to be president. To impeach Trump is to hate God.

-       Trump also thinks you are all special and he loves you and wants you to go home. Go home. 

-       Total misunderstanding. Trump was encouraging rioters to go to Capitol Tire & Auto Service to “Stop the Steel” on their outrageously low prices on steel rims.

-       If the Capitol police had been friendlier and welcomed the “rioters”, there wouldn’t have been any violence or anyone rubbing their genitals on Nancy Pelosi’s telephone.

-       Trump is not a cat.

-       Maybe that My Pillow Guy should take over for us. 

Mike Lindell is ready to step in to defend Trump. Just as soon as he is done fucking this pillow.