GOP Senators: Homicide

by Joe Janes

If GOP Senators Moonlighted

as Homicide Detectives

Investigating a Murder

Homicide Detective Senator Grassley:  (Speaks for 10 minutes about his own accomplishments and then…) So, Jackson, wouldn’t you agree with me that I’m great and that you’re a killer?

Homicide Detective Graham: (Speaks for 15 minutes about a different suspect) So, don’t you think I have every right to be talking to a different suspect? One from South Carolina? Just as guilty as you? (Goes on to talk at length about how other suspects he liked were poorly treated) If you could rate yourself as a killer from 1-to-10, how much of a killer are you? Would you kill a Catholic? (Has hissy-fit and storms out of the room.)

Homicide Detective Hawley: If you had to choose between killing a pedophile, a rapist, or a baby, why would you choose the baby?

Homicide Detective Blackburn: If you had raped and impregnated the victim instead of killing them, you could be a proud father now because we wouldn’t allow them to kill the fetus and you can make money turning in the victim if they seek an abortion. I guess this is more career advice than a question. 

Homicide Detective Cotton: Were you wearing a mask at the time of the murder because a scientist told you or because you hate God?

Homicide Detective Ted Cruz: So, my main question is why are you black and a woman? Some people would accuse me of asking two questions. You and I know it’s really one. One that you want taught to racist babies in school so they can grow up and murder white people. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a plane to catch. My record on catching planes is similar to my record on catching criminals.

Homicide Det. Ted Cruz investigates why people think he’s so douche-y.