Common Sense GOP Solutions for Avoiding Mass Shootings
Why does Mitch McConnell always look like someone is pointing a gun at him?
by Joe Janes
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell along with top republicans and the RNC have joined forces to curb the escalation of gun violence in America.
Here are their ideas.
- Mass shootings will decline if we stop talking about them. If anyone mentions a mass shooting, quickly change the subject to baby-killing abortions, Dr. Suess being canceled or hunting feral pigs.
- Blame mass shootings on television. “Our children are taught at an early age by leftist cartoons that someone whose body is riddled with bullets will only suffer leaks while drinking water.”
- Arm teachers and children. Give children one hour of training and a colorful handgun. The only way to stop a bad student with a gun is with a good student with a Hello Kitty gun.
- Schools should have only one door, one classroom, no windows, and, most importantly, no books.
- Remind people that countries where this doesn’t happen also have weird food, play money for currency, strange accents, and zero freedom!
- Teach the ways of a peaceful, moral, loving life by using the Bible in classrooms. Skip the parts with sex and violence and also explain that helping others doesn’t mean more taxes or actually doing anything and that Jesus had a gun.
- Stress that the number of deaths in a mass shooting is exaggerated by the mainstream media and that many children would have died anyway from lack of baby formula and increased gas prices.
- Mass shootings would decrease dramatically if people stopped gathering in places like schools, non-white Christian churches, places of worship not called churches, and grocery stores in poor neighborhoods.
- “Thoughts and prayers” is still on the table, right?
McConnell went on to say that he hopes to work with democrats on effective gun control legislation and looks forward to blocking any action to move that legislation forward.
It’s a thing.