Pictures of Universe Believed to Be Side of God’s Stoner Van
A glimpse into the far corners of our universe or an invitation to par-tay?
by Joe Janes
NASA released stunning images from the James Webb Space Telescope this week creating an enthusiastic stir amongst astronomers and planetarium program directors. The photos were purported to reveal a glimpse into the cosmic dance of thousands of galaxies, but now experts believe it was just a close-up on what appears to be the side of a 1970s stoner van.
According to NASA scientist Amanda Sextant, “We initially noticed what appeared to be a burst of gases in the upper portion of a nebula. After coordinating with our European and Canadian research partners, we concluded it was the window of a type of automotive vehicle and the hazy gases were being released from it.”
More photos of the interior appear to be of a convertible bed/sofa, a small refrigerator, and massive amounts of burnt orange shag carpeting. What was thought to be the glimmering birth of a star turned out to be a rotating disco ball suspended from its ceiling. Phil Penrod, noted van enthusiast for Motor Trend magazine responded, “From what I have seen, this is not your typical modern day ‘van life’ van. It’s got all the stars and clouds of a 70s classic. All that’s missing is a wizard riding a pegasus over a castle of scantily clad women. Regardless, this van is cosmically designed to ‘get down’.”
Canadian researchers concurred with these findings and added, “There appears to be some inscribed words which have led us to believe this giant van, the size of 500 of our suns, could belong to God or at least a lifeform who refers to themselves as ‘God’. It has, well, what we would call vanity plates that say ‘GODSTER’.”
The Vatican has released a press statement declaring the findings to be transformational and that the pope is revising religious texts to include the discoveries. The Ten Commandments are now just three – Thou shalt offer ass. Thou shalt pay for gas. Thou shalt provide grass.
Many American Baptist churches have already replaced Amazing Grace as their go-to hymnal with Foghat’s Slow Ride.
Theologists have speculated that since there is a driver’s seat and a passenger seat up front, that God rides shotgun. They let Jesus take the wheel so they can roll joints.
Most recent photo from the James Webb Space Telescope.