Common Sense Solutions from the GOP Regarding Mass Shootings at Parades
Uncle Sam and his, um, niece.
by Joe Janes
The mass shooting in Highland Park, Illinois during their Fourth of July Parade, while uniquely American, was still a tragedy. It could have been avoided or made less deathy without indulging in extreme leftist cries for taking our guns while urinating on the God given constitutional rights of U.S. citizens.
Don’t let the most recent mass shooting (at the time of this publication) deter your city or town from celebrating a national holiday with a parade.
Here are our solutions:
- Armed marching bands. Aim that rifle trombone toward the sound of gunfire while protecting the majorettes.
- There are too many ways to access a parade! Parade routes should be down one-way dead end streets. Better yet, have them in alleys.
- From now on, the GOP will issue pre-emptive thoughts and prayers for all large outdoor gatherings. They will also be issued periodically during the event and immediately afterward. We won’t stop saying we’re praying and thinking until everyone is home safe.
- Just like we need more prayer in schools, we need more prayer in our parades. We demand the addition of Christian floats. Jesus should be the grand marshal of all parades.
- Kevlar bunting.
- The GOP will officially start a tip line where concerned citizens can report the suspicious activities of family members or neighbors, especially if you think they are hiding a pregnancy and have plans to travel out of state. Or kill people in a public area.
- Stop dwelling on January 6th and move on.
In God We Trust,
The Republican National Committee
*BTW – We stole this from the Dems. Or they stole it from us. The difference is we mean it. Honest.
Carl as Grand Marshal Jesus. He is also available in December as Santa to celebrate the birth of Christ.