Today! Casey Basch Funeral!
CASEY BASCH – FUNERAL TODAY!
The exclamation mark had to be a mistake. Maybe it was a prank—the work of teenagers out the night before? There was probably a church sign somewhere in town that read JESUS LOVES DICK.
The Cereal Wish | Part 8
I turned back to the window. The drones hovered only a moment, then toured to the right to spy through another apartment window like hornets trying to find their way into a hive. Some bored dudes in quarantine were probably trying to score a peep show.
The Cereal Wish | Part 7
“Those motherfuckers—spying on me again,” I said.
“Who’s spying on you?” Sarah asked.
The Cereal Wish | Part 6
Sarah was gone. All that was in the hall was a big box full of boxes of Product 19 on its side. I hate Product 19, but she wants me to eat it because it’s healthy. She must have bought it to make up for forgetting the cereal. “How is this my wish?” The genie was gone, too.
The Cereal Wish | Part 5
I wake up lying flat out in the entry hall closet we never use because we are too lazy to open the door. I’m lying on boxes of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios I had wished into being. There are even some extras to make a pillow for my head. Melted chocolate is streaming out of the boxes like cookie blood. I can hear Maggie snuffling at the doorway.
The Cereal Wish | Part 4
As you have already learned, I am a quick thinker. Like, how I used my second wish to live inside of the classic sitcom Cheers. Yep. Everything is going to be smooth sailing from here on out.
It’s true that I’ll miss my girlfriend, Sarah, but as Dave Matthews said in a Facebook post in 2018, “What a great ending of a great tour!”
Norm walks over to me.
The Cereal Wish | Part 3
“What can I do for you?” asked the funnel of incense as it materialized into a small-boned woman in a red Chanel suit.
The Cereal Wish | Part 2
And there I was, twenty minutes later out trucking with Maggie four blocks away now from our place down Algren Street. It seemed to be nap time for the rest of the world while I took the much-needed air.
The Cereal Wish | Part 1 (Again)
Thank God for the dog. If not for her, my girlfriend wouldn’t let me leave the house. When the pandemic got serious, she didn’t care about toilet paper; she b-lined it for the milk. Our freezer is perfectly packed with Swedish meatballs, broccoli florets, and twenty-three gallon-size Ziplocs of milk.
Archived—A Toxic Friendship Fairy Tale
A darkly delightful tale of a hare standing up for herself against a selfish, useless, ignorant fucking bunny.
Before The Eulogies, A Word From The Deceased
Good morning and welcome to my funeral. Or should I say good afternoon?
Santa's Gift
Ricky stood in the snow with one sneaker untied and his backpack hanging far too low on his back. His breath misted in the frigid December air. He shook, but not from the cold. His mother taught him to layer up, making it almost impossible to catch a chill.
No, his shivers were from fear. A fear he had every year. But this year was going to be different.
[Worth Revisiting] A Toxic Friendship Fairy Tale
A darkly delightful tale of a hare standing up for herself against a selfish, useless, ignorant fucking bunny.
A Green Bottle Fly Takes Stock of His Life
This yard is fantastic. There’s never a shortage of poo. Piles of poo everywhere. Look! There’s one! And another over there! And another! Oh, boy, how long has this one been here? Poo doesn’t go rotten does it? Nah, of course not!
![[EXCERPT] Gorski and The Goat](https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/579fa3912994ca0eff850271/1508634349438-SXP8FPQTBSDWWUQR18T3/Goat.png)
[EXCERPT] Gorski and The Goat
On a urine-stained olive green cot in the back room of Rosalda’s Cantina in Ciudad Juarez, I came to. Blacked out. Again. A smell I couldn’t quite put a finger on. Rank breath, a muffled gurgle and what felt like whiskers. I hope not our hostess, or worse, one of her chicas.
The First Time
“Let’s just say, doing it for the first time on the soft sand with music playing, the sound of the waves in the background and the helping hand of wine and smokes, made for an evening I’ll never forget.”
Bog Bodies
In ancient times, people were sacrificed to the bog. Now, the souls trapped within bog demand more sacrifices. And if they don’t get them, they will rise, and they will find souls themselves.
The Ballerino
“Change the goddamn ballet recital just for you?” Her voice rose. She thrust her hip sideways and firmly planted a hand on it. “Johnny, that’s how you operate! Change it for me.” Melinda turned and walked out of the room. “Jesus Christ.” The door slammed behind her.
The Old Lady's Warning
She’s knocking.
The First Call
The ringing of the phone reverberated throughout the office. You can tell who’s calling by the ring, whether it’s a good call or one which foretells disaster. The phone knows. Its voice sends you a message. You have to be smart enough, open enough, to understand its language.
Anxiety is the thing that’s ripped our country apart. It has divided us, caused us to fear and hate those who think and live differently than us, and even caused us to hate those who only slightly disagree with us. It has led to panic and overreaction. And I worry that American Anxiety is only going to exacerbate the social and political divide in this country to the point that there is no coming back.