A Green Bottle Fly Takes Stock of His Life
This yard is fantastic. There’s never a shortage of poo. Piles of poo everywhere. Look! There’s one! And another over there! And another! Oh, boy, how long has this one been here? Poo doesn’t go rotten does it? Nah, of course not!
My god, I love this yard. So much poo. And all the varieties. This pile has a smoky flavor. The big dog must’ve gotten into some of that burnt wood from the fire pit. This one tastes like… what is that? Plastic? Yep, that’s plastic. The big dog must’ve gotten into something he shouldn’t have. I often hear the humans yelling at him about that.
But if more natural poo is your mood, then look no further than this pile of poo right here! This came out of the small dog. She sticks to the Blue Buffalo stuff in the house. How do I know it’s Blue Buffalo? Because I have a well-tuned palette, that’s how. I’ve been eating poo in this yard for two days. A palette like mine only comes from experience. You can go ahead and call me a Pooie because, yes, I’ll admit it. I’m a bit of a poo snob. The small dog also munches on grass and weeds when she’s out here so some of her poo has a rich, earthy taste. Wow, it’s so good.
Wait… Oh, no! That gangly human is out here with that bag on his hand to pick up the poo. Quick! Everyone! Follow me! Over to this pile. I think it’s a big dog poo pile. Oh, yes, nice and soft. You can practically swim in it! Look at me! Breast stroke! Back stroke! Yummy!
Oh, no! He’s coming for this one. Buzz off!
Oh, look at him. This pathetic human… this poo is so soft he can’t pick it up. Hahaha! He’s just smearing it all over the grass! Okay, everyone, lick the grass blades! He’s walking away. Oh, and he’s super annoyed about it. Ha! Pathetic human with his two eyes, two legs, and no wings. Humans don’t even eat poo. Tell me again why it is these fools get to vote? Sheesh.
Wait. What’s he doing? Is that a..? Is that a garden hose? What’s he doing? No— He’s (gurgle) spraying the grass down. (gurgle) He’s washing the poo away. No! He’s drowning our maggots! NO! MURDER! YOU MURDERER! That’s my family, you sonofabitch!
…
No, no, no. That was horrible. He washed away my babies. And he took all the poo piles away. What am I going to do? I’m lost. Maybe I’m too careless. Too greedy. Too hungry. Too focused on poo. I should have been a better parent. I should not have been so cavalier. I should have chosen my family over being a Pooie. I, I… I have made a horrible mistake.
Wait! Those big garbage cans on the other side of the fence! There’s trash and bags of poo there! Let’s go, everyone! Swarm the trash cans!
