American Shithole #18 — Moving and the Traveling Salesman
I’d love to spare some time this week for Trump’s on-again, off-again (just kiss him already!) love affair with Li’l Kim, or the 1,475 missing migrant children lost due to inhumane policy changes at the DOJ, or whatever else tops the news from now until Thursday in the maelstrom of bile and garbage that is Washington, but I’ve been distracted by my own triumvirate — a difficult household move, an incompetent painting crew, and a door-to-door salesman whose life must’ve depended on selling just one more security package.
American Shithole #17 — The Beautiful Things: Taxi
I asked a group of friends recently, “What is your go to for a feel-good television show?” The answers were as varied as you might imagine. I’d been looking for something to comfort me during a time of stress and sickness, and eventually I settled on an under-appreciated effort from my childhood — dark days require comfort and sanctuary, and there is no sanctuary quite like nostalgia.
American Shithole #16 — The Lord of the Rings and Beautiful Things
I foolishly thought I was done being surprised by this embarrassing presidential failure of epic proportions only America could muster, but we have dropped trou for all the world to see — and the festering boils on our wrinkled, flaccid democracy are cause for retching from here to Timbuktu.
REPOST: American Shithole #3 — Partisans of Liberty
In honor of the late, great Ursula K. LeGuin, I present a bit of science fiction in lieu of the daily political grind, or perhaps this would qualify as high fantasy.
American Shithole #15 — Comedians Unite! Except You, Dennis
Michelle did her fucking job. She kicked all the chairs out from underneath you, you sleepy-eyed, coddled, shitgibbon enablers — and apparently you couldn’t tell ruthless political commentary from a fugly joke, if your journalistic integrity depended on it.
American Shithole #14 — Defending the Deplorables and Facing Fears
So, in your desperation, you voted for a showbiz circus orangutan whose only qualifications were that he screamed the loudest and threw shit bombs absolutely everywhere — oh, and he told you that you were special.
American Shithole #13 — Sean Hannity's Pain Is My Coping Mechanism
It was still a beautiful day; immediately made all the more beatific, as Sean Hannity’s universe was suddenly shat upon by life’s equivalent of an elephant anus to the face, at point blank range.
American Shithole #12 — Michael Cohen: Tain't Misbehavin'
Not enough people are making jokes about the taint team, by the way. I was expecting more taint humor this week, but all we got were assholes. “More Taint, Less Asshole” is my new motto. I think it would make a fine t-shirt with an inappropriate image of our disaster-in-chief.
American Shithole #11 — Scott Pruitt: Ambien From Oklahoma
Never has there been a more boring villain in the Trump rogue’s gallery, than this litigious Jesus freak. Reading a bio piece on Scott Pruitt is like reading a 40-page white paper on the chemical properties of Vaseline.
American Shithole #10 — Sports and Politics
Shared interest in a sports team is a great way for two disparate people to find common ground. In America, many fathers and sons have relied on this fact for more than a century. At the end of the day though, it’s still a bunch of folks playing bouncy ball, or batty ball, or kicky ball, or throw that ball, and I’m not going to make small talk about sports with you, just to save you the embarrassment of defending your shitty ideas about the current state of American politics.
American Shithole #9 — Robert Mercer, Part One: Cambridge Analytica
American Shithole has its own crack team of investigative journalists, and our operatives — working deep undercover — were able to procure a top secret list of other gifts and services Cambridge Analytica reserved for its highest paying clients.
American Shithole #8 — Betsy DeVos: Just Like Mom
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from DeVos — American education’s evangelical Betsy Ross — sewing her particular brand of plutocratic dominion posing as conservative Christian education reform, into the national fabric of the public school system. I imagine her gently rocking in her chair up in Michigan (where she destroyed the public school system on a state level), just a harmless old grandma, doing the lord’s work from her front porch.
American Shithole #7 — Besties
Today however, I feel compelled to shut the front door on all the chaos of our political hell-scape, and instead write a short article about friends. Best friends, really. Not the particulars about my best friend — we shall call him, Peter — but the bonus points in life you generally receive if you’ve been lucky enough to have developed a close friendship along your way.
American Shithole #6 — Gifts
This last week has been an emotional one for me. It’s been very emotional I imagine, for most of us. I struggle now to express this deepest sense of gratitude that I feel toward these brave students. Their courage in the face of terrible adversity and horrifying opposition has provided an influx of faith in humanity, and a renewed interest in impaling baddies.
American Shithole #5 — Fuck You, NRA
So we will cheer as these brave children that have survived another horrific American school shooting, share impassioned pleas for sanity and meaningful action — even though we all fear their voices will fall on deaf republican ears. That nothing again will be done. Nothing that will have any effect, anyway. Certainly not with Trump in office. I am writing this as of Tuesday, a few days will pass before this posts, and their young, beautiful, powerful voices will fade into the background static as the news outlets are forced to focus on whatever new insanity emerges.
I would really, really, like to be wrong.
American Shithole #4 — What Treasures Await Within The Failure Box?
“Mom, can I have more shelf-stable milk?”
“Now Timmy, you know you have already had your governmentally allotted granules of dehydrated, dairy product! You know the billionaire class needs every cent the rest of us can spare, for really important reasons, like they want it. Now help your sister open the meat.
“Aww, mom! But I need strength in my bones for the Trump Parade!
Well, now that the Trump parade is every second Thursday of the month, I guess you’re right, son!”
American Shithole #3 — Partisans of Liberty
In honor of the late, great Ursula K. LeGuin, I present a bit of science fiction in lieu of the daily political grind, or perhaps this would qualify as high fantasy.
American Shithole #2 — How Deep Is Our Shithole?
Ugh, what a week already.
I have entertained adding the occasional silver lining/ray of sunshine to a column that could likely depress more often than elate. This would require a subheading. American Shithole: Turds of Wisdom, or American Shithole: Kernels of Truth, perhaps.
Or, American Shithole: I Just Can’t, Today.
American Shithole #1 — Stephen Miller: Spork Amongst Cutlery
The talking heads are discussing today, with great enthusiasm, if it's Stephen Miller (and not the president) that’s running the show on immigration — which should mean we’ll have Miller’s resignation sometime in the next few months.
It is a remarkable feat to be the “most-despised” member of this administration, but I loathe Stephen Miller on such a visceral, base-level, that my neurons fire erratically as soon as I see his churlish, sourpuss visage. His countenance on television brings about the emotions you might expect when cleaning dog diarrhea.
American Shithole #0 — Introductions
I fully understand I am signing up for something that will likely offer as a return, many self-righteous kicks to my junk, public shaming, little remuneration and probably additional junk punches for a closer. For example, I am sure I will rue the day I write about Al Franken, but you know, fuck it, I’m definitely going to write about Franken.
Of course, at the breakneck speed this country is barreling toward an inescapable permanent shithole event horizon, perhaps that article will be met with an “Al who?”
Anxiety is the thing that’s ripped our country apart. It has divided us, caused us to fear and hate those who think and live differently than us, and even caused us to hate those who only slightly disagree with us. It has led to panic and overreaction. And I worry that American Anxiety is only going to exacerbate the social and political divide in this country to the point that there is no coming back.