The Burning of Bad Leroy Brown
The heat was impressive, a near 1,700 degrees. He pushed Leroy into the oven. Before Leroy was halfway in, his feet burst into flames. Black smoke from the cardboard rose up the flue. Three more shoves and Leroy was in, his entire body now consumed with flames.
Notes from the Post-it Wall – Week of August 20, 2017
• If you think Colin Kaepernick is the problem and that Nazis are kind of OK in certain situations, you might be a redneck.*
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of August 13, 2017
• In these turbulent times, sometimes it is best to get in bed and pull the covers way up over your head. Just don’t Dutch Oven yourself.
Financing Disappointment
At that moment, Lou had eight thousand-five hundred dollars to his name. Give or take the few bucks from his unemployment checks that would be left after trying to pay his credit card bills. Looking at the bank statement, it felt good having all of that money staring back at him. He didn’t want to ever spend it. But it was already as good as gone.
Lou drove to Goldberg Jewelers in Skokie and bought Michelle’s eight thousand-sixty-four dollar engagement ring.
“Congratulations,” said Art, shaking Lou’s hand.
“Thanks.”
In the parking lot by his car, Lou threw up.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of August 6, 2017
• I think that the best thing for all of us—this global community—is a nuclear war. It’ll remind us—those of us who are left—how devastating the nuclear option is. It’s been too long since anyone witnessed the destruction the Bomb wields and as a result, we’ve become desensitized to it, which is exactly why the two chubby children think it’s fun to throw threats of a fiery endgame around. So yeah, bring down the fury of hot hell. Maybe it’ll knock some sense into us. Bonus: I won’t have to worry about paying my quarterly taxes next time around.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of July 30, 2017
• Answering personality tests like the Meyers Briggs or something for my job is really hard for me. Which personality am I answering for? Mine, or the one I want you to think I have?
Notes from the Post-It Wall – Week of July 23, 2017
• There is nothing more unattractive to a woman than a vulnerable man.
Cookie, the Cat who Bit Me & Congress, the Sect that Hates Us
UPDATED: July 28, 2017, 6:13 a.m.
The members of Congress, generally, are a cat that terrorizes its counterparts and bullies helpless, fearful people. The majority of the United States Congress is Cookie; a nasty sonofabitch.
There's always been partisanship. However, it seems that partisanship has reached critical mass—that thing Malcolm Gladwell talks about in his very fucking boring book, The Tipping Point. Parties. Power. Influence. Money. These are the things the current Congress cares about. Consider the debate over healthcare.
Logging of the Family Tree
In a way, this crabapple tree is a lot like Shel Silverstein’s Giving Tree. The one difference being that we didn’t abuse it and take it for granted the way the little boy did in that story. The prick.
Notes from the Post-it Wall – Week of July 16, 2017
• I have a sex playlist on Spotify called “David’s Sex Playlist.” It’s all break up songs.
San Francisco's Race Problem
The Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) system, which serves the San Francisco Bay area is having some problems. In the last 90 or so days, three attacks on its riders have been perpetrated by a group of teenagers. The attacks have included robberies, beatings, harassments—you know, general mischievous teenage behavior gone terribly awry.
The hooligans haven’t been caught. And part of the reason for that is BART’s fault. It’s not releasing the surveillance videos.
Notes from the Post-it Wall — Week of July 9, 2017
• If you’re mad that Patton Oswalt is engaged a little more than a year after his first wife died, you’re a jerk. Simple as that. Who are you to understand one person’s heart and how it heals and what it needs and how it loves? You need to reduce your desire for outrage and leave people alone.
The Opening Campfire: An (alternative) Introduction to "A Camp Story" – Author's Cut
My biggest concern, beyond not knowing anyone and just generally hating camp, was that I was going to spend a summer in the woods surrounded by swarms of big, disgusting, loud cicadas. It was 1990 and the 17-year cicadas had taken over Chicago. I had killed so many with such bloodlust that I convinced myself the winged beasts in Decatur had gotten word of me and were plotting their revenge for their brethren.
Notes from the Post-it Wall – Week of July 2, 2017
• Liberal rage confuses me. From day-to-day and outrage-to-outrage, I’m less and less sure about who is pissed at what and why. I’m thinking about joining the Klan. At least I know where they stand.
I Just Fixed Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean Ride
If Disney wants to make up for any wrongdoings, it can stop making Prates of the Caribbean movies.
Notes from the Post-it Wall – Week of June 25, 2017
• Success is by design. And when it comes to design, some people have terrible taste.
Who's Afraid of Hedy Weiss?
The artist makes art. The critic deconstructs that art so that people who don’t understand art can try to pretend to understand art. The artist and the critic are not on the same team. They are opposite sides of the same coin. And the opposite sides of the same coin can never see eye-to-eye.
The Pristine City Clerk Worker
No one likes having to go to the Office of the Chicago City Clerk. Not even those who get paid for being there. The desk workers on the first floor in the City Clerk’s office are of the same ilk as DMV workers. They are always tired, annoyed, smarter—yet dumber—than you, wield a surprisingly unnatural amount of power and have a general disdain for a good majority of humanity. And who can blame them? They work for idiots and get dumped on by the citizens who elected those idiots all day long.
Notes from the Post–it Wall – Week of June 18, 2017
• If my approach to being a dog parent is any indication of how I’ll be as a parent to a human, I’m going to wake the kid up to snuggle with it and throw things at its face.
Remember Watergate, or Else
So history is repeating itself here. In the early 1970s, we had a president pulling a Brock Turner on the Constitution, and today we, allegedly and potentially, are witnessing the same thing happen.
How do you want to be defined? By one action? By some opinion that could evolve? By a mistake, regrettable only with hindsight? Or by the sum of your parts? Okay, do that for other people. Start the trend.