American Shithole #37 | The Redaction Game and a Farewell to a Softer, Kinder Dildo

By Eric Wilson

It’s Tuesday afternoon, and I have been told repeatedly by CNN all morning that Breaking News is about to unfold at literally any moment…

This time the Mueller investigation is supposed to reveal how Flynn cooperated with the Russia investigation.

Still waiting; evening has morphed into night.

I suppose I could take this opportunity to comment on the passing of our 41st president.

For what it’s worth, I find George H.W. Bush’s military service (during the last war Americans had any business being involved in) to be courageous and admirable, and I also believe he once was a man driven by sound moral principle.

The Republican Party rid him of much of that nuisance of principle by the time his political career had come to a close.

So it probably comes as no surprise that I find that (like almost every republican of the last century) George H.W. Bush was horrible for this country as a politician. His few successes — the Americans With Disabilities Act and the Clean Air Act in particular — are absolutely dwarfed by his abysmal failures in Panama, Nicaragua, and I think most importantly, Iran.

Don’t even get me started on Iraq.  

Playing any part in brokering a deal with Iran to delay the release of the American hostages in order to make Carter look weak, was treasonous. He also ushered in the age of dog-whistle campaign ads (Willie Horton) — which has had a devastating effect on all American political machinations ever since. Later, he effectively killed numerous investigations into Iran-Contra cronies, and pardoned a bunch of Reaganite criminals. Oh, and he clearly didn’t give one iota of a fuck about AIDS.

Apparently he was also pretty “handsy” with the ladies.

So yeah, not quite the sendoff I gave that miserable fuck from Arizona, but it is technically the holiday season, and in the spirit of giving, I guess I’ll just leave it at that.

As my evening patiently waiting for the Mueller shoe to drop continued, the Breaking News shifted back to the Bush mob gathering again to marvel at what an unrepentant clan of dicks their family is, and also to pay respects to patriarchal head dick-in-chief, who made all this dick-ery possible.

Jesus, you watch the news networks gush over the guy, and you’d think he fucking won World War II by himself. I get we are supposed to be nice to people shortly after their death, but the sugarcoating is a bit too thick for me and my fondness for facts and history.

Around 8:30 p.m. Eastern (somewhere around mid-Anderson Cooper) I threw my hands up and vowed to put an end to this madness of the all-day news cycle. I think we’ve all had more than enough of our each and every day presenting Breaking News at every fucking turn.

After my 333rd day of near-constant news monitoring, this is my New Year’s resolution: I am watching/reading/listening to news or news-related media at a 90 percent less time-consumption rate next year. I figure since Donald took office, and certainly since starting American Shithole last January, I average about 10 hours of news or news-related (I’m including late night television) media a day.

That to me is an astonishing figure, that I have spent the better part of an entire year focused almost entirely on the horrible news of my country.

So yeah, my media saturation next year must be limited to an hour a day. That’s just fucking ridiculous having CNN on in the background all day long; even if it is only on the weekdays and even if the country is being run by a treasonous tyrant with an infancy-level understanding of the workings of government and foreign policy. I have shit to do — like kicking this medical issue’s ass and actually writing comedy again.

I’ve got to stay on top of things though; we’ve a democracy to save, and all, so clearly it is going to be difficult making such a drastic change. So this may be another New Year’s resolution broken — just like every exercise regimen, but I’ll keep trying.

Anyway…

It was very late in the evening/early in the morning as I began to peruse the heavily redacted Mueller sentencing memo. So neatly-appointed — as if a team of dedicated professionals had left no rocks unturned.  As I drifted off to sleep, I remember mumbling something to myself and smiling.

“All these motherfuckers are going to prison.” I whispered.

“Except Flynn, of course,” I corrected myself “he’s given Mueller absolutely everything.”

Slept like a fucking baby for the second time this year.