The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Trump and Putin – Alone at Last!
Body language. No translator needed.
Trump and Putin – Alone at Last!
Helsinki, Finland
Attendance: Donald J. Trump, Vladimir Putin, Karlov, Maria
Transcribed from a secret recording made from a microphone
hidden in Putin's nipples.
Putin: President Trump! Welcome to Russia!
Trump: Oh. You speak English.
Putin: I speak several languages. Here. Drink this vodka with me. What languages do you speak?
Trump: I speak three languages. Money, Love, and English.
(Putin laughs heartily!)
Putin: There’s that Trump humor I heard so much about! You do have a great brain.
Trump: Glad to hear you heard about my humor. Everybody says I have a great sense of humor. Some people don’t get it. People at the higher ends of intelligence do.
Putin: Smart people like you!
Trump: Smart people like me! You know, you speak English good. Why did I even bring a translator?
Putin: Karlov, take Trump’s translator Maria over to the stereo and play her the new Kanye. Let her try out my new Beats headphones. Maria, use the blindfold. Makes the music sound better.
Karlov: This way.
(Maria and Karlov's conversation is inaudible as they walk away.)
Putin: Would you like more vodka?
Trump: Um, sure. I don’t usually drink. Could you put in some Diet Coke?
Putin: That’s the way I like it! Here, let me pour.
Trump: Hey, that’s Trump Vodka.
Putin: So, it is! It’s the only kind of vodka we serve.
Trump: That’s incredible.
Putin: It is incredible. Karlov! Wasn’t I telling you when I first tried Trump Vodka it was the best vodka I had ever had?
Karlov: Dah. He said Trump does vodka better than Russia.
Putin: See? Do not tell anyone. Let it be our little secret. Can you keep a secret, Donald?
Trump: My intelligence advisors ask me that all the time. Of course, I can, Mr. Putin.
Putin: Mr. Putin? Mr. Putin is the father I had killed for speaking out against my regime. Call me Vlad. We are friends.
Trump: Okay, Vlad, you want to talk about NATO stuff or something?
Putin: It’s a little warm in here. Mind if I take off my shirt?
Trump: Hey, it’s your country.
(Rustling sounds are heard. The sound quality improves.)
Putin: Do you trust me, Donald?
Trump: Sure. I knew in the first thirty seconds of meeting you. This guy. This is a guy I can trust. Do you trust me?
Putin: No.
Trump: No? But I’m such a great guy. I’m not like Obama.
Putin: Have you ever killed anyone?
Trump: Well, I haven’t stopped some people or prevented deregulations from killing people. Does that count?
Putin: No. I’m talking taking your hands and wrapping them around someone’s throat — or, for you, a portion of someone’s throat — and squeezing the life out of them as you watch the light dim from their eyes. It’s so cool! Plus, if they are a journalist or activist, they are out of your life!
Trump: Wish I could do that with a journalist, or Rosie O’Donnell.
Putin: When you are in power, truly in power, you can do that. You should give it a try.
Trump: Where to start?
Putin: Doesn’t matter. Just get one under your belt. I have done so many. If I don’t want to travel, I delegate. I have someone poison them.
Trump: This is what makes you such a powerful leader.
Putin: Russian bear hug time!
(Trump gasps as Putin presumably bear hugs Trump. The sound is audible, but muffled.)
Trump: Wow! You’re, um, you’re pretty hard.
Putin: You bet I am! You inspire me, Donald. You may not be a killer, but you are tall, big shoulders, you rally people, you beat the white pants off Hillary Clinton without any help from anyone.
Trump: No colusion!
Putin: I just want us to be friends.
Trump: I don’t see why I wouldn’t like that.
Putin: Great. We still have an hour and half before our press conference.
Trump: Want to talk some more about business-y stuff?
Putin: Nyet, nyet, nyet! This is Trump-Putin quality time. I want to feed you grapes while Karlov rubs your feet. Would you like that? It’s a very Russian thing to do.
Trump: Well, I don’t want to be rude. I would prefer french fries to grapes, though.
Putin: Sit back, relax. Karlov! Get the gold foot soaking tub and fill it with french fries! I’ll turn on the TV.
Trump: What are we watching?
Putin: Something just for you. The screen is split four ways. We have Fox and Friends, Sean Hannity, Alex Jones, and a security camera showing you lecherously cornering underage beauty pageant contestants on a loop with the pee tape. Enjoy!
Trump: More Diet Coke, please.
Wink implied.