American Shithole #42 | Three Really Old Vampires Frightened and Bored the New Vampires in America Today

By Eric Wilson

Tuesday Afternoon, 12:49 PST

I admit, I am writing this column five hours prior to The Great Enunciator’s Fireside Chattel.

This way, when I can’t take anymore I will already have written my piece, and can thankfully turn my attention to absolutely anything else. (Vegas odds put the over-under at 00:04:20 in, before I bolt to greener pastures.)

(Author’s note: Coincidentally, Vegas did have odds on how many lies the President of the United States would express during his Oval Office address with an over-under at 3.5 fibberoons.)

Seeing as this is most-assuredly scripted material (although Trump claimed to have written this speech himself), like his other scripted outings, Trump will likely come off uncharacteristically coherent. He will read from the teleprompter in the way that is his fashion — that of a bored debutante skimming through the latest issue of Tits, Weekly.

My hope is that someone whispers something just before he goes live — and it flicks that switch — you all know the one; the one where grandpa talks like he’s finally figured out how to gently caress the child-proof caps on the Robitussin.

Squeeze and twist, Donny. Squeeze and twist.

In all likelihood though, this will be a short, semi-pointless attempt to obfuscate, misdirect, terrify and coddle — and we will all be the lesser for bearing witness.

Tuesday Evening, 6:21 PST

Ha! While it was a semi-pointless attempt to obfuscate, misdirect, terrify and coddle, it was also so much less!

Wow, what a snooze-fest from all three of those (in)dentured fossils. I’ve seen livelier performances from Keanu Reeves in a sadness meme.

I’m either Jerry in the middle there, or Tom on the right.

I sure wouldn’t mind looking like that sad chap on the left. Jeezus, I just want to touch his hair, and giggle at his jokes.

Even his name is cool. Keanu. It sounds like something you get, when you’re good.

Trump seemed like he’d finally exhausted his heretofore ne’er depleted reserves of bluster and bombast; while Pelosi and Schumer looked like great-grandparents trying to figure out Facetime during an aneurism. If the three of them were in a movie (with Reeves), I imagine Keanu struggling to keep their Hoverounds under 5 miles an hour, else they — well they wouldn’t explode, that would require energy — I suppose they would just veer left into the bingo table or something.

That would be more interesting than what I just watched.

What was that, fifteen minutes total? I feel like David Bowie at the end of The Hunger. How old am I? Have only a few seconds passed or is life over now? Why is Catherine Deneuve putting me in a coffin?

Also, have Chuck and Nancy seen a camera before? I’m pretty sure they have. You wouldn’t have known from this latest briefing to the nation — it was as if they were watching someone from a different tribe cook food in front of them. Why the fuck were they staring at the camera like Amoukar in Quest for Fire?

“Camera warm, camera good.”

Trump didn’t fare much better; he had all the vim and vigor of (pre-dead) Abe Vigoda, mid-nap. That is as flat as I have ever seen him. I kept waiting for him to tell Tom Hanks to go jump in the Big Wu.

Then, as I have already mentioned, Chuck Schumer crook-eyed the camera for six minutes — all he was missing was a pair of shorts, black socks, a cane to shake, and some kids on his lawn — while Pelosi looked like she’d just seen the Bird Box demon.

I kept waiting for her to jerk the podium into traffic.

Was that a political statement and rebuttal, or a living museum exhibit? The whole fucking thing should have been sepia toned — like an old-timey movie reel.

Our American leadership sucks; I’m going to bed.

Wednesday Morning, 10:17 PST

Between the three of them, they have well over two hundred years of life experience; all I saw were three old, rich assholes that would better serve America enjoying the comforts of a nursing home versus the halls of power they still occupy today.

Vampires from the silent film era — the fucking lot of them.

We need new blood.