The Minutes of Our Last Meeting – Things That Are Trying to Kill Me

Yeah. That “Hypertension Crisis” column? I’m trying to get down to that.

by Joe Janes

Joe Janes’ Meeting with His Natural Enemies

Jackalope Coffee and Tea House, Bridgeport Neighborhood

9:30am, January 16, 2019

Attendance: Joe’s Diet, Joe’s Blood Pressure, Joe’s Penis, Joe’s Age, Brexit

Joe – Thank you all for meeting with me, although I guess I could have done this anywhere at any time. 

Joe’s Age – No time like the present. 

Joe – You also say that about watching shows on Netflix.

Joe’s Age – You only live once. May as well watch as many good TV shows and movies as you can.

Joe – You may have all noticed that I am drinking Turmeric Ginger herbal and not my usual large dirty chai tea latte with soy. 

Joe’s Diet – The soy makes it healthy. 

Joe – Barely. I’m avoiding the sugar and the caffeine because I am going to the doctor’s later. 

Joe’s Blood Pressure – I know where this is going. He blames me for everything.

Joe – The BP is too damn high! It’s been too high for three years. I have been exercising and eating more vegan food and I’m still in hypertension territory. I’m a walking stroke. Or heart attack. Or both. 

Joe’s Blood Pressure – A doctor is just going to put you on prescription drugs. Drugs you will have to take for the rest of your life. Is that what you want to be? A drug addict?

Joe – I want to be someone who doesn’t have high blood pressure. 

Joe’s Blood Pressure – It’s genetic. Like receding hair lines. Do you hate your ancestors?

Joe – A little. 

Joe’s Diet – I thought having cats was supposed to lower blood pressure.

Joe’s Blood Pressure – Not when you have five. 

Joe’s Age – You’re just worried because you’re not ready to die. Your apartment is a mess, all your writing is on your computer and back-up drive. Only you know your passwords and you often have to change them because you don’t remember them. I think if you gave them to someone or put them in a “Upon My Death” envelope, you’ll feel much better and won’t mind stroking out. 

Joe – For me to do those things, I still need to see a doctor. Otherwise, I might die before lunch.

Joe’s Blood Pressure – Very overdramatic for a funny guy. Okay. Fine. You get me under “control” like the tyrant dictator you are. Have you checked out the side effects? Let me spell them out. With bullet points!

·       Cough

·      Diarrhea or constipation

·      Dizziness or lightheadedness

·      Erection problems

·      Feeling nervous

·      Feeling tired, weak, drowsy, or a lack of energy

·      Headache

·      Nausea or vomiting

·      Skin rash

·      Weight loss or gain without trying

Joe – I already do most of those without drugs.

Joe’s Penis – You certainly have my attention.

Joe – You have been doing a rotten job lately, too. You’re next on my list to deal with.

Joe’s Penis – Me? Come on! We’ve been friends ever since you spilled some shampoo on your junk when you were fourteen. Good times, right?

Joe – Strawberry Suave will always have a special place in my heart, but… Enlarged prostate? Come on!

Joe’s Penis – The ladies say they don’t care about size and we know that is not true.

Joe – And you now veer left when I have an erection. You used to be straight as an arrow and now you hook left. That’s weird.

Joe’s Penis – That is not my fault. That’s from you riding your bike while wearing pants that are too tight. No room to breathe. Makes me want to crawl in on myself. 

Joe’s Age – Besides, how much more are you going to use that thing?

Joe and Joe’s Penis – For as long as I/he can!

Joe’s Penis – Agreed. Give me a firm handshake.

Joe – Let’s wait. I just ordered a bagel. 

Joe’s Diet – Okay. We get it. Blood pressure needs to be reined in. Prostate and left hooks need to be addressed. At least my vegetarian diet keeps you healthy.

Joe – Not really. I eat way too much wheat gluten with beer and fake meat. If I really want to eat healthy, I should consume nothing but carrot sticks.

Joe’s Diet – I will make you throw up, right now.  

Joe – Please don’t do that. I’m so loud when I vomit. 

Brexit – Okay, Joe. I get why all these other blokes are here. Your healthcare sucks, but you need to do something. Hopefully it doesn’t cost you an arm and a penis. Why am I here? 

Joe - I’m just worried about you. I couldn’t sleep last night. I think your country should do another vote. There were too many lies going on the first time with how much the EU was costing or people saying how leaving wouldn’t change anything. I just want the UK to be okay. 

 Brexit – Go get those drugs. 

A tremendous source of stress in my life.